[Issue #28] There’s No Me Without You
An evidence-based essay on the relationships between co-dependency, trauma bonding, and attachment styles (longread)
“Many of us live in denial of who we truly are because we fear losing someone or something-and there are times that if we don't rock the boat, too often the one we lose is ourselves...It feels good to be accepted, loved, and approved of by others, but often the membership fee to belong to that club is far too high a price to pay.”
-Dennis Merrit Jones
The room I’m in is home to the 12 steps, a familiar group of mixed personalities and histories and experiences, and sometimes it gets too hot. It’s a small space, made to fit some cleaning equipment, maybe, or a small office. The well-loved, worn in, adapted space has fold out metal chairs with padding, one long table (akin to the kind you may see at a backyard BBQ in America in July) and all of us come together for an hour or so once or twice a week to share our experiences, our own perspectives, and the hope we all hold inside of us for a better tomorrow.
We sit in tears, anger, comedic relief at the absurdity of our lives and situations, and we distill the internal bashing of chaos down to the grains of sand that are the seconds packed into these moments which make up our very lives.
In this room, I keep my ears open for bits of wisdom that might be handed to me directly from whoever governs our existence. Some call this God, I call it the Universe. We come here for ourselves, to figure out what we can do to make our lives more like the life we want and less like the life our past self has put us in. On this day, I hear the word codependency and my brain begins to squirm and writhe and turn out chunks of questions I’m excited to ask Google later, and this is where today’s essay was birthed.
Sitting in this room, listening with an awareness of finality, what I hear, it’s not all bad. But a lot of times, it could be much better. If only we could entertain the notion that maybe we are worthy of love - love from ourselves, and that we are worthy of safe, healthy relationships (with ourselves and others).
The trouble is, sometimes we find out that a relationship can leave us feeling gross or defeated or self conscious or even crazy.
I managed to stay in a deeply unhealthy and abusive relationship for nearly three years and it still haunts me and my current safe, healthy, happy marriage today, roughly 7 years later. This is what trauma, and more specifically complex trauma and complex PTSD, does.
The aim of today’s issue is really to gain a better understanding of codependency upon intimate partners or within intimate partnerships, why people suffering from PTSD are more likely to commit and stay in these types of relationships, and what traumatic bonding and Stockholm Syndrome have to do with any of it.
In order to understand the deep impact of codependency, it’s imperative we have a basic (and mutual) understanding of narcissism, so let’s define narcissism quickly then jump in to the impacts of all this-
Google defines narcissism like this:
“Selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.”
OR
“Self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.”
That definition is a bit convoluted, so let’s see how our friends at Merriam-Webster define this (in friendlier layman’s terms):
“Extremely self-centered [behavior] with an exaggerated sense of self-importance [which is typically] marked by or characteristic of excessive admiration of or infatuation with oneself”
OR
“Displaying [behavior] marked by excessive concern with one's own physical appearance…”
The website NarcWise is essentially a blog about narcissism (which is a topic I’ll be covering in the coming months as we travel down the road of understanding abuse, abusive relationships, aggression within intimate partnership, and PTSD) and the trauma being in a relationship with a narcissist can cause.
One of the posts, “Why Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma Bonding Is So Powerful for Codependents” illustrates how trauma-bonding can solidify a relationship with a partner who is abusive and/or narcissistic and defines codependency within this context:
“Narcissist and codependent couplings are extremely common. It therefore stands to reason to consider how trauma bonding for codependents plays out.
Codependency is a pattern of enabling and controlling traits and behaviours. These result from self-esteem being dependent on the behaviours and needs of others. It is developed through significant relationships where the other party has compulsive or addictive behaviours, is otherwise ill; or from dysfunction and/or abuse in families-of-origin.
As a codependent, you feel at the mercy of others. You perceive your experience of pain or happiness is entirely driven by the significant other in your life.”
Essentially, the cycle inside a codependent and traumatic-bonded intimate relationship looks something like this:
The codependent is showered with love and affection (called “love bombing” within the field of psychology), reminded of how things were in the beginning of the relationship - the narcissist/partner needs to feel (more) important and (more)ego-inflated, so they use aggressive, abusive, or otherwise unhealthy means to gain power over the codependent and relationship - the codependent feels as though the punishment or aggressive/abusive behavior from the (narcissistic) partner must be their fault, taking exaggerated responsibility for the (narcissistic) partner’s behavior/feelings - “love bombing” occurs (again) from the (narcissistic) partner, beginning the cycle all over again and this is how trauma-bonding occurs.
What a doozy, right?
So, if we stop to think about the impact of this cycle, it’s not hard to understand how and why us codependents can easily find ourselves trapped in the smoking, burning, smoldering fire that is the unhealthy relationship we’ve found ourselves in, with no easy means of escape (or, even worse, no true desire to escape because we feel unworthy of love, or as though we’d be giving up on our partner/relationship, and/or because our sense of self is linked to the identity and relationship with our partner).
The thesis paper entitled “Risk Factors for Traumatic Bonding and Associations With PTSD Symptoms” by Emily Virginia Shaughnessy (which I was able to access in full while out of town this weekend but can no longer get access to the full paper, my apologies - the link will shoot you to a preview) supports the reality of this cycle:
“A study on traumatic bonding by Dutton and Painter (1993) revealed that intermittent abuse and power imbalance between the [intimate partner] victim and abusive partner were associated with increased long-term attachment that the victim felt toward the abuser, both immediately after their relationship ended and at six-month follow-up (Dutton & Painter, 1993).”
So, as the cycle continues on, the relationship between victim and abuser becomes anchored and mired in the destruction of identities between the two, leaving fault lines and dust of a hopeful future back in the past, long before the cycle truly began (or before the victim noticed what was happening).
This same thesis, which was originally published in 2018 and updated in 2022 due to the impacts of the Covid-19 pandemic, does a beautiful job of distilling tons of data across various types of trauma (mostly childhood maltreatment and hostage situations) to find out why people (primarily women) stay in abusive and unhealthy relationships:
“Traumatic bonding is [a] powerful emotional attachment to the abuser as a result of intermittent cycles of abuse and reconciliation, as well as power imbalance, which result from the cycle of abuse (Dutton & Painter, 1981; Walker, 1979; Johnson, 2006). Traumatic bonding is similar to but distinct from Stockholm syndrome, a phrase that, when initially coined, referred to the positive emotional bond that some kidnap victims develop toward their captors that may last beyond their release or escape (Graham et al., 1995; Cantor & Price, 2007). The term was coined after a failed bank robbery that took place on Norrmalmstorg square in Stockholm, Sweden in 1973, when it was revealed that the hostages taken during the robbery displayed unusual, positive feelings toward their captors (Namnyak et al., 2008). Since the term was created, “Stockholm syndrome” has been expanded to refer to other individuals and situations, such as victims of [intimate partner violence] (Adorjan et al., 2012).”
Even on the surface, with this information laid out for us, it’s still difficult to wrap our heads around why someone would stay in a relationship which makes them feel like shit.
But, as the thesis goes on to explain, romantic love makes it much more difficult to leave said relationship, which then instills feelings of shame, guilt, regret, and self-disappointment when your wiser Self (we all have one) is shoved into an alleyway for the sake of being “loved” (though, no truly loving relationship works this way, even if we have been taught or shown that this is the only way intimate relationships work):
“…This positive association may be due to the fact that being abused by someone with whom we have a bond is in some ways more traumatic than being abused by someone who is not close (i.e., betrayal trauma; see Goldsmith, Freyd, & DePrince, 2012), and also because traumatic bonding lends itself to people staying in abusive relationships, which allows further traumatic [intimate partner violence] to occur, which can lead to PTSD symptoms. Additionally, it is possible that greater romantic love predicted greater PTSD symptoms because, like traumatic bonding, love may make people more likely to stay in abusive relationships longer and thus experience more abuse, and love may serve to make the [intimate partner violence] more traumatic since it is at the hands of a loved one (Goldsmith, Freyd, & DePrince, 2012; Hocking et al., 2016).”
“In other words, while traumatic bonding can serve an adaptive function because it allows [intimate partner violence] victims to survive abusive relationships, traumatic bonding is also an unhealthy, maladaptive coping mechanism because it can serve to keep [intimate partner violence] victims in abusive relationships.”
The true culprit of codependency within intimate partnerships is the loss of self-trust and self-acceptance. Without a strong spine built on self-trust, it’s nearly impossible to leave any relationship, no matter how healthy or toxic. Self-trust is one of the most important, fundamental tools we need to sharpen to ensure us codependents don’t fall prey to the narcissistic predator.
Without self-trust, we have no guidance system to help navigate sparkling clean waters, let alone a shitstorm.
Codependency itself usually stems from long-term, or chronic, abuse, neglect, misplaced blame and responsibility, and not being heard, seen, or understood by our guardians, parents, or caretakers in childhood. The relationships we have with our parents or guardians is the strongest bond us humans have for many, many years of our lives.
If those relationships are twisted and turned into the child feeling as though the parent or guardian’s emotions or behaviors are either the fault or responsibility of the child, the child is more likely to grow into adulthood with an unhealthy attachment security style.
Better Help published a post about the four types of attachment styles:
“A secure attachment style is low in both anxiety and avoidance. Secure attachment tends to lead to stable, fulfilling relationships.
An anxious-preoccupied attachment style is high in anxiety and low in avoidance. Anxious-preoccupied attachments can create relationships that thrive on drama or are generally lower in trust.
A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is low in anxiety and high in avoidance. This attachment style may lead to more distant relationships, sometimes stemming from a fear of commitment.
A fearful-avoidant attachment style is high in both anxiety and avoidance. People who display this attachment style are often drawn to close relationships, yet they are simultaneously fearful of them.”
My attachment style is the last one, fearful-avoidant and I theorize that’s due to a lot of moving as a child (instability), a lot of aggression and addiction in the home, lots of love-bombing, and subsequent feelings of abandonment due to the instability and unhealthy, unsafe relationships within my immediate family.
A lot of times, unbeknownst to us, we’ve been molded and shaped by these parental relationships in ways we haven’t been able to recognize or consider because we know no differently. That is, until we do, which is why I highly recommend finding a support group of some type - 12 step, spiritual, hobby, something other than the unstable and shoddy support system we’re used to believing is good and loving so that we may discover what true acceptance, love, and support looks like from healthier people with similar experiences to our own, leaving us feeling seen, heard, and understood.
In the book “Healing Trauma Through Self-Parenting”, Dr. Patricia O’Gorman writes:
“It is interesting that most people who have been impacted by trauma do not think of themselves as trauma survivors…Because many trauma survivors don’t identify themselves as traumatized, they are “invisible.”
As a combat veteran with no apparent physical wounds or injuries from my experiences while deployed, I also struggle with the feeling of invisibility, but this feeling has also been quite profound and pervasive since my own childhood (mostly due to me being bi-racial but white-passing and being a lesbian and ostracized because of it), and the feeling of invisibility haunts me every now and then, even though I am able to recognize and even accept that I am a trauma survivor. And this pervasive feeling of invisibility is what kept me from seeking trauma-focused therapy for many, many years.
To further expand on this point, Dr. O’Gorman writes:
“Survivors of pervasive or complex trauma…have suffered a more subtle kind of trauma that left them wounded and searching for wholeness. They seek therapy, read books, attend conferences, and go to Al-Anon meetings - all in an attempt to right something that they experienced. Once they appreciate their own trauma histories and their resilience, they begin to address the way that their trauma manifested for them…[which is] their need to care for others. This is codependency…where there is a tendency not to take care of oneself while simultaneously seeing to what everyone else needs.”
But, what about breaking out of this cycle of codependency within our intimate partnership? I’m not a therapist, but I believe one of the most difficult things about being in an unhealthy, abusive intimate relationship is getting out of it. And this was also my own personal experience within the abusive relationship I was in.
As the research throughout this essay has expressed, once the trauma-bonding takes place and becomes further solidified, that relationship is less likely to function in a healthy way without serious, deep intervention and recovery from both/all partners involved. This means, a lot of times, finding a way to leave the trauma-bonded, codependent relationship because it is unlikely the narcissistic or abusive partner will be willing to seek the type of mental health intervention necessary for healthy, safe relationships filled with the honoring of uncomfortable boundaries, respect, listening, and open-mindedness.
Dr. O’Gorman writes:
“…When the partner for whom they have sacrificed so much leaves them, or they feel that their kids hate them, or they find themselves being trashed on Facebook - they suffer again. They become ill, act out, get fired, gain weight, drink too much. Life feels like it is in chaos. And yet, this also feels strangely familiar, and they are confident they can handle it.”
This is how we lose ourselves to someone else, one small bit at a time. We give and give, and when it’s not enough to give our partners what they seek, we continue giving until we no longer recognize the hollow shell that has replaced our inner Self.
To any of you who are struggling inside your intimate partnership, please know you are not alone and there are resources and support networks ready to assist and guide you.
We’ll explore the myriad ways in which leaving an abusive or codependent relationship can be hindered and how to leave so that we may regain our own Self (because we all deserve self-love) in the coming months (I’ve left a list of resources at the end of this essay), so I’ll cap it here and leave you to process.
And if you think you may be in a relationship that is unhealthy, unsafe, or doesn’t meet your needs in an appropriate manner, it’s probably time to assess if you want to spend another day, week, year, lifetime within the confines of such a relationship. The likelihood of an unhealthy relationship morphing into something healthy is pretty much zero without potent intervention from qualified professionals and strong, reliable support systems to help anchor us as we try to find ourselves again.
Remember, our lives are not infinite and you are worthy of a happy, peaceful, beautiful life as well as love, acceptance, and even celebration from yourself and others.
"There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is 'Where am I going?' and the second is 'Who will go with me?'
If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”-Melody Beattie, “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself”
Resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text: 88788 www.thehotline.org
Al-Anon Worldwide Meetings (in-person, online, and telephone): https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
National Dating Abuse Helpline
1-866-331-9474
www.loveisrespect.org
National Child Abuse Hotline/Childhelp
1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
www.childhelp.org
National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
www.rainn.org
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255 (TALK)
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
National Center for Victims of Crime
1-202-467-8700
www.victimsofcrime.org
National Human Trafficking Resource Center/Polaris Project
Call: 1-888-373-7888 | Text: HELP to BeFree (233733)
www.polarisproject.org
National Network for Immigrant and Refugee Rights
1-510-465-1984
www.nnirr.org
National Coalition for the Homeless
1-202-737-6444
www.nationalhomeless.org
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
1-800-537-2238
www.nrcdv.org and www.vawnet.org
Futures Without Violence: The National Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
1-888-792-2873
www.futureswithoutviolence.org
National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health
1-312-726-7020 ext. 2011
www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org
National Runaway Safeline
1-800-RUNAWAY or 1-800-786-2929
www.1800runaway.org
The Veteran’s Crisis Line: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ - text: 838255 or dial 988
It took me a year to ‘find my way’ once I shoved everything I owned (and that had fit into a 30’ travel trailer), into my son’s pickup truck, and he swooped me away to an alternative living space. I started over literally from scratch, but that wasn’t even the hard part. I found it unbearable not to see or talk to the other half of my toxic marriage. I received the best piece of advice out there from the author herein (thank you Adrian, your voice/words have never left my head). Block his number! His email! He no longer exists! ever existed. Being the codependent soul that I am and have been for what I presume had been my entire life, I didn’t take their advice to heart. While I set and kept boundaries, I was still very much on the slippery slope that found me rolling back and forth I and out of this relationship. Maybe I was working on the creation of a different ending. One that would be different from the ending we managed to survive back in 1985, me and this same human.
Another powerful, important and well researched article. Yes, I have found that a toxic relationship very often an important ingredient in personal "recipes" of decent into disease. Was definitely true in my case. I think thats why the co-dependency literature is so helpful. Here are some crib notes I made from Pia Melody's book [I think she was the originator of the term?], copying here in case it adds anything to the discussion: I am just beginning to read around the work of Pia Melloday https://www.piamellody.com/ on the concept of "co-dependecy". I must say that I identify with everything I've read very strongly so far, personally. So I'm wondering if other people who have come down with chronic illnesses will identify with these themes too? [Indeed, I suspect there may be very common themes here amongst us?]
This is extracted from "Codepenence: The 5 Core Symptoms" https://www.piamellody.com/pdf/CE_Summer2002_Pia.pdf
Difficulty Experiencing Appropriate Levels of Self-Esteem
[self-explanatory]
Difficulty Setting Functional Boundaries
"A personal boundary system is an internal mechanism that both protects as well as contains an individual’s body, mind, emotions and behavior.
It has three purposes:
1) To help an individual prevent himself from being victimized
2) To prevent an individual from being an offender
3) To give an individual a sense of self"
Difficulty Owning Our Own Reality
"People who are codependent do not know who they are. They have difficulty recognizing and defining their own reality. Reality is defined as the following four aspects:
1) The body - How we look and how our bodies are operating
2) Thinking - How we give meaning to incoming data
3) Feelings - Appropriate expression of our emotions
4) Behavior - What we do or don't do"
Difficulty Acknowledging and Meeting Our Own Wants and Needs
People who have difficulty with this core symptom can fall into these four categories:
1) Too dependent: expect others to meet our needs completely
2) Anti-dependent: I alone can meet my needs
3) Needless/wantless: I am not aware of my needs or wants
4) Confuses wants and needs: attempts to meet needs with wants"
Difficulty Experiencing and Expressing Our Reality Moderately
This symptom is usually most visible to other people. Codependents usually have no middle
ground and appear to be extreme with their bodies, thoughts and feelings"