[Issue #23] I Don’t Belong Here [part one]
A brief exploration of imposter syndrome
“But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here”-Radiohead, “Creep”
I was in 8th or 9th grade when my English teacher, Mr. Wilson, in the backwater town of Mount Vernon, Indiana, told me I had a knack for writing well and he pushed me to be a better writer with every assignment - poems, short stories, lots of stream of conscious exercises. I gave a pretty awesome speech about the small beginnings of the now global brand known as LEGO and the thrill I got from sharing something I wrote was vibrant. It was visceral. It was, in truth, vexing, for a 13 year old me. ME, who had been bullied until the day I nearly choked out one of my part-time bullies during some downtime after lunch, all of us kids hanging out inside the gymnasium. Me, getting appraisal, laughs, approval from others (because there was no chance I was giving approval to myself, not back then). Lanky, freckled, crooked-tooth me, feeling as though I’ve finally given something, done something, of value.
This topic of imposter syndrome came to me last week and has since taken the form of a question in my own head:
Why do most of us suffer from (at one point or another) imposter syndrome? And, more importantly, what can we do about it?
Then the next question tumbled in…what is imposter syndrome?
The American Psychological Association defines it thusly:
“First described by psychologists Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD, in the 1970s, impostor phenomenon occurs among high achievers who are unable to internalize and accept their success. They often attribute their accomplishments to luck rather than to ability, and fear that others will eventually unmask them as a fraud.
Though the impostor phenomenon isn't an official diagnosis listed in the DSM, psychologists and others acknowledge that it is a very real and specific form of intellectual self-doubt. Impostor feelings are generally accompanied by anxiety and, often, depression.“
And more questions followed. Questions like, is a doctor in disbelief when they save a life? Is a lawyer struck by awe when they win a case? Does Stephen King get nervous about book releases, even after all these years? Does David Bowie feel the anxiety of living up to everyone else’s standards?
The answer is a resounding, relieving, and validating yes!
“I had enormous self-image problems and very low self-esteem, which I hid behind obsessive writing and performing. … I was driven to get through life very quickly. I really felt so utterly inadequate. I thought the work was the only thing of value.”
I never thought my head would be filled with a giant fake world I’ve built, all on my own, infused with characters and morality, wars for resources and knowing the future, a world vibrant and alive, much less that I’d be the founder and head writer (okay, the only writer, for now) of a newsletter about PTSD and mental health, and that I’d get the chance to share it with people I’ve never met (and maybe never will) AND that my work would reach someone and give them hope, understanding, validation or general but useful information.
I mean, who the hell am I to be telling you how to handle, engage, make space for the darkest parts of you?
I’ve got zero credentials. Zip, in terms of doing the actual job of a trained therapist, which I am not. I don’t have any formal training in therapy, social work, life coaching, or writing, for that matter. Everything here, in this newsletter, is raw, coming from the rough and jagged edges of my own life experience. I draw from my own hope and history, the thinnest, sharpest slice I can manage to find, every day. And then I share that with you - each week.
An overwhelming number of studies have been done on imposter syndrome (the argument for the addition of imposter syndrome to the DSM as a mental health disorder has gained a lot of traction in recent years) and commentary has been added to some of those same studies. One addendum to a study done by Bravata, et al. in 2019, “Prevalence, Predictors, and Treatment of Imposter Syndrome: A Systematic Review” defined imposter syndrome from a more therapeutic angle:
“Imposter syndrome is a condition that describes high-achieving individuals who, despite their objective successes, fail to internalize their accomplishments and have persistent self-doubt and fear of being exposed as a fraud or imposter. Individuals struggling with imposter syndrome do not attribute their performance to their actual competence, instead ascribe their successes to external factors such as luck or help from others while considering setbacks as evidence of their professional inadequacy.”
Remember when we explored perfectionism? If we take a moment to consider it, we might find that imposter syndrome and perfectionism are deeply connected, sometimes enmeshed and entrenched, within one another. Why is that?
As a quick recap, here’s a graphic that illustrates thought patterns and ways of thinking while we’re trapped in perfectionism:
The cycles of thinking we find ourselves trapped in while engaging with our perceived reality (from the activated complex of perfectionism) dance with one another - there’s a cycle of thinking and habitual behaviors for each part of our psyche.
To keep all of us on the same page, let’s do a quick run down on what I mean when I use the term psyche.
The psychologist Carl Jung (father of Jungian analysis and theory) coined this term and is defined like this1:
…”the psyche is a self-regulating system, rather like the body, one that seeks to maintain a balance between opposing qualities while constantly striving for growth, a process Jung called “individuation”.
Jung saw the psyche as something that could be divided into component parts with complexes and archetypal contents personified, in a metaphorical sense, and functioning rather like secondary selves that contribute to the whole.”
Sound familiar? Our psyche is kind of tapping into our inner parts, or inner family members that hang out with us everyday, inside our subconscious (check out this issue to learn more about the inner voice). Our psyche is the guidance system of our existence, our entire human experience. So, when we fear we don’t belong, that we aren’t good enough, or when we believe that our successes hinge on fate, luck, or someone else instead of our choices, our hard work, or our committment, our psyche gets pulled and bogged down into something much larger than us. We aren’t typically aware this is happening, either. That’s the trickery of imposter syndrome - it’s almost symbiotic in that it cannot survive without a host; a host that’s filled with self-doubt, plagued by anxiety, or deeply depressed
We already know that chronic stress leads to somatic pain and a litany of other unpleasant experiences. The study I referenced earlier, “Prevalence, Predictors, and Treatment of Imposter Syndrome: A Systematic Review” identifies ways in which imposter syndrome is most detrimental to emotion regulation, wellbeing, and levels of stress:
“…in the workplace, those affected with imposter syndrome may experience increased levels of stress, burnout, and decreased job performance and satisfaction over time. Employees who persistently question their professional legitimacy may also be at higher risk for experiencing adverse psychological outcomes with implications for career retention and advancement.”
And how, in particular, the pandemic activated these imposter feelings:
“When employees with imposter syndrome are faced with more responsibility and less supervision their symptoms of self-doubt and fears of being exposed as a fraud have been shown to increase. Since the COVID-19 pandemic, healthcare professionals and employees of companies who have had to reduce their workforce may be experiencing both of these circumstances. Additionally, employees who remain at work with a reduced workforce due to the financial crisis resulting from the pandemic may face “survivor guilt” which has also been associated with imposter syndrome.”
That’s some heavy hitting validation, isn’t it? To know we’re not alone in this creeping feeling that we’ll soon be found out?
I’ve suffered from imposter syndrome like anyone else, but the foundational experience I have with imposter syndrome was being gay but not feeling safe enough to be out, living my authentic life, being my authentic self.
The LGBT community and other minority groups, women, African-Americans, Latino and Hispanic individuals, tend to suffer more from imposter syndrome, but the research is still out on why that is.
Of course, knowing your decisions and behaviors can have a looming impact on someone’s literal life or quality of life, is a lot of pressure. Because of that, a lot of research has been done on mitigating the impacts of imposter syndrome (typically aimed at the fields of academia and medicine).
So, how do we stop the imposter within us from taking over?
Because imposter syndrome has yet to be listed in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), or added to the International Classification of Disease (ICD), the therapeutic and medicinal interventions for imposter syndrome itself are hard to tack down. But, several studies implore the use of therapeutic modalities, such as cognitive processing training (CPT) and dialectical behavioral training (DBT) to help alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety, along with the re-building of support systems and networks (filled with people that encourage, celebrate, and hear you) to offset the inevitable stress life (or supervisors, customers, clients, relationships, etc.) hands us.
We’ll dig deeper into ways of managing and alleviating the pain of imposter syndrome next week, so we’ll close this week with the following consideration-
When have you struggled with imposter syndrome? Was it work related or personal? How did you manage to navigate that experience?
Oh yes, Imposter Syndrome! Know her well. The good news is that I've found, the more I "do" more than not, the weaker her voice is to me.