[Issue #20] It's a Trap
A deep dive exploring the insidiousness of perfectionism and where it comes from (longread)
“Perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis.”
—Brene Brown, “The Gifts of Imperfection”
Tick, tick, tick, tick the seconds click by, and just like that, poof! the seconds are gone, like our cells are gone, replaced by new ones until the last heart beat. I breathe through the shame spiral that feels like chaos ensuing, I drop my defenses in an effort of reclamation. Reclamation of some time, long ago, before I was my own enemy. Before I internalized the lie that I had to be perfect. I didn’t know, back then, that perfect was as-is. I do, now.
This newsletter has become a beacon of sorts, an anchor for me and the life I want to live. I started this newsletter because I believe PTSD and mental health are misunderstood, gravely, and representations of each have been skewed in pop-culture and mainstream media.
The title for the newsletter came to me one afternoon while I was lazily lounging on our couch, stoned from an awesome bong hit. The title floated to me at the right time - I had just gotten my rejection letter for the Joel Gay Substack Fellowship that I was pretty bummed about (in fact, that fellowship is how I stumbled, completely on accident, upon Substack). But, it turns out that I have a hefty passion for learning, not just for writing, but for mental health, science, and humans. I nearly became a sociologist in college, but went with urban planning and design instead. I’ve always enjoyed researching various subjects and synthesizing information.
One of my favorite things in college was writing research papers. Shocking, I know.
Today’s subject began one hot afternoon, while I was mowing the lawn, listening to Audible. While listening to the book “Atlas of the Heart,” I heard Dr. Brené Brown talk about perfectionism and I’ve known that I suffer from a perfectionist complex for quite sometime (thanks, therapy). Dr. Brown defined perfectionism and my jaw dropped because it hit so close to home:
“It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the biggest barriers to working toward mastery is perfectionism…Perfectionism kills curiosity by telling us that we have to know everything or we risk looking ‘less than.’ Perfectionism tells us that our mistakes and failures are personal defects, so we either avoid trying new things or we barely recover every time we inevitably fall short.”
And then she said this:
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement, and blame…Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: ‘It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.’”
Perfectionism is a belief system!
How do you know if you struggle with a perfectionist complex? I found an incredible graphic depicting the cycle of perfectionism itself and key behaviors that are typically associated it:
So, for this week’s post, I began digging up studies and researching perfectionism. I was quickly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of research that has been done on the subject. The research ranges from cultural and sociological implications and consequences of perfectionism to how perfectionism in academia lends to mental health struggles of young adults to how perfectionism manifests in children.
As I looked over the research, it became pretty clear that perfectionism is a strangely unique human experience, touching us as soon as we become conscious of some inner Self.
Humans are, fundamentally and above all, social creatures. This is why Special Housing Units (SHUs) in prisons exist (often referred to as Solitary Confinement or Protective Custody) and why the movie Castaway was so good. Each one of us knows what it feels like to feel alone. And each one of us probably knows what it feels like to want to do something perfectly.
Let’s define what I mean when I say complex (as a noun) in this context - The American Psychological Association defines a complex like this:
“..a group or system of related ideas or impulses that have a common emotional tone and exert a strong but usually unconscious influence on the individual’s attitudes and behavior. The term [was] introduced by Carl Jung to denote the contents of the personal unconscious…”
Though perfectionism began to be studied as early as the 1930s, it wasn’t until roughly 30 years later that it would be studied more in depth, with the findings published in scientific journals. From the mid 1960s to the late 1980s, psychologists created new terms: healthy (adaptive) perfectionism and unhealthy (maladaptive) perfectionism. In an article explaining the creation of the adaptive/maladaptive perfectionist scale (AMPS), researchers found the following correlations:
“…perfectionism, assessed [in] various ways, has been found to be associated with depression…chemical use and abuse…chronic pain…coronary heart disease…eating disorders… procrastination… anxiety…and suicide”
Other terms pertaining to the trait aspects of perfectionism were created and are well-established as the 3 types of perfectionism: self-oriented perfectionism, social-oriented (or socially-prescribed) perfectionism, and other-oriented perfectionism.
Social-oriented perfectionism seems to be the most nefarious of the 3, in that it hijacks our very human need to connect with other humans by adding overwhelming emotional and psychological distress to interactions with others. In the study entitled The Destructiveness and Public Health Significance of Socially Prescribed Perfectionism by G.L. Flett and Paul Hewitt, et al., they found that socially-prescribed perfectionism instills incomprehensible levels of social unease:
“Socially prescribed perfectionism (i.e., perceived social pressures and expectations to be perfect) is [a] trait dimension [which] represents a chronic source of pressure that elicits feelings of helplessness and hopelessness at extreme levels.”
How can you bear your soul, tell the most bizarre stories about your grandmother, or share intricate details of important moments in your life if you’re constantly paranoid that you’re not good enough?
Speaking of PTSD, there’s a (self-reporting) study (by G.L. Flett, et al.) that was published in May of 2020 aimed at assessing PTSD symptoms and the complex of perfectionism. Here’s how the study defines perfectionism:
“Perfectionism is a multidimensional personality trait that is broadly characterized by the relentless pursuit of absolute perfection, harsh self-criticism, excessively negative reactions to perceived mistakes, and the inability to experience satisfaction even when excessively high standards are met.”
Perfectionism and PTSD are more alike than they are different, and perfectionism tends to feed the PTSD feedback loop, quickly entrapping us in a cycle of never good enough but keep trying anyway.
In 2021, G.L. Flett, Danielle Mollnar, and Paul Hewitt published a study on PTSD and perfectionism in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, and their research indicates that perfectionism seems inextricably linked with a need for control:
“Results from multiple regression analyses indicated that socially prescribed perfectionism was associated with higher levels of PTSD symptomatology. However, this finding was qualified by a significant interaction with perceived control such that higher levels of socially prescribed perfectionism were associated with greater PTSD symptomatology only under conditions of low perceived control.”
So, where does the need for control come from?
For a long while, there was debate about it, but in the study Born to Choose: The Origins and Value of the Need for Control, published in October of 2011, researchers Lauren Leotti, Sheena Iyengar, and Kevin Ochsner conducted a systematic review and study looking at the human desire for control and what they found is nothing short of astounding:
“Individuals exercise control over the environment by making choices. These choices include complex and emotionally salient decisions that may occur only once in a lifetime (e.g. which university to attend), but also include basic perceptual decisions that occur hundreds of thousands of times every day (e.g. deciding where to focus your attention in the visual field). Although much of our behavior is elicited by environmental cues, and may be below the state of explicit awareness, all voluntary behavior involves choice nonetheless.
Thus, to choose, is to express a preference, and to assert the self. Each choice – no matter how small – reinforces the perception of control and self-efficacy, and removing choice likely undermines this adaptive belief.
…Individuals who do not perceive control over their environments may seek to gain control in any way possible, potentially engaging in maladaptive behaviors.
Struggles to augment or diminish control are believed to be at the core of anxiety and mood disorders, eating disorders, and substance abuse.”
The need for control is biological, hard-wired into us like hunger cues or signals of pain. No wonder road rage is a thing and failing grades cause depression. So much so, that when we consciously (or subconsciously) go against our preferred choice based on moral code and values, or if choice is taken from us, we’re rendered incapable of our perceived ability of controlling any outcome. And that kicks up the cycle of perfectionism and all the litany of exhausting shit that comes with it.
So, what do we do about this pesky perfectionist complex of ours, knowing all of this? We simply grumble about the fact that our need for control gets in the way of living a very fallible, imperfect, beautiful, joyous life. We admit defeat and take it like we just won the lottery. We high five ourselves because we’re about to be courageous. We’re about to be curious. And we’re definitely about to learn that who we are right now is exactly fucking good enough.
Relinquish the never-ending, always lose-lose battle with perfection and a desire to control anything more than your own reactions or your own responsibilities.
Remember - our emotions, our thoughts, don’t get to make the decisions. Our inner Self has that right. No one else gets to decide for us.
How has perfectionism impacted your work or home life? How does it affect you now? Can you make room to know that you’re good enough?
“As we let go of our need to control, we find freedom.”
-Elisabeth Corey
I always love hearing from you! Email me directly by replying to this email or ADPurchas@gmail.com, or leave a comment!
This hits home for me, too. I have an illustration project that I continually keep procrastinating due to utter fear of being not good yet. I know I'm not the best or the worst, and neither of those two things really matter anyway.... the whole point of creation is to express and connect. This article I need to print out, and I think I'll use it to hit the art room tomorrow. Time to break this perfectionism!