[Issue #30] Four Ways to Screw Up Your Relationship
A brief guide on the impact of trauma on romantic relationships via Gottman's 4 Horsemen
“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse predict an ailing marriage: Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt. The worst of these is contempt.”
-Dr. John Gottman
I talk a lot about finding your life’s rhythm and balance and since romantic relationships and social support networks are so crucial for healing the emotional wounds of those of us suffering from PTSD and complex trauma, it only makes sense to find out more about the ways relationships are affected by that trauma and PTSD, and other mental health struggles.
Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman head up the Gottman Institute and its relationship lab where they are able to predict the outcome of a marriage in less than 15 minutes by watching a couple try to hash out a problem within their marriage; And he’s correct about the marriage’s outcome 90% of the time. The Gottmans are credited with having cracked the code on knowing if a romantic relationship is likely to be successful, or if the coupling is likely to separate or divorce.
What’s the secret code, you ask?
It all comes down to what the Gottmans have coined as “The Four Horsemen” (click here to get to the Gottman article) - by studying an intimate relationship within the context of the these 4 horsemen (inside their lab), they’ve figured out that, on average, if, during conflict or argument, you and your partner have at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction, the relationship has a much higher chance of success (and happiness).
The words make sense, but how does that 5:1 ratio actually translate to everyday real life? The only way to attempt some sort of accuracy here is to draw from my own personal experiences. My wife and I have been together about 5 years now (kind of hard to believe it’s been 5 years) and we’ve both changed immensely.
When we met, our lives were a 180 to what they’ve become. I know, when I met her, I wanted her in my life as long as possible because I saw what an incredible human being she is even before our first date. It was her laugh that got me on our first phone call. And the way she asked if it’s too late for lunch, at 1pm, in the middle of the week. But, I had only been single about a year and a half before we met, and the relationship I had been in was the abusive relationship I’ve mentioned previously. So, a year and a half of me self-helping (at this time, I had no idea I was struggling with PTSD, I thought I was depressed and angry and that people were assholes) and learning to meditate (I did it much more often back then) was great for my mental health and recovery to some degree. But, it didn’t take much time for all of my symptoms to balloon into something I couldn’t define but yet, began devouring who I thought I was.
I think a part of me knew I needed to get into some therapy, but my life kind of fell apart after the breakup with my ex. I lost my job, after having just re-signed a lease (and I had gotten a pretty good promotion to boot), and was struggling to contract (I was an urban planner in a former life) with non-profits and look for a job I wouldn’t hate.
It seems important to deviate for a moment and expand a bit on PTSD symptomology here because it feels relevant - I didn’t know I had PTSD. I knew PTSD was a thing, but back then, 5 or so years ago, I was convinced I just needed to toughen up and get some exercise and not let shit bother me. I met my wife and my whole life just opened up into something I never even thought possible.
But we’re talking extremes here. I mean, I went from a trauma-bonded and abusive relationship with someone suffering from extreme narcissism and PTSD to meeting my wife, who is such a balanced, gentle, and fierce woman. Whiplash doesn’t even begin to describe the complex emotions I felt when I realized I was deeply in love and my heart is usually the decider in these types of decisions. Blessing and a curse.
So, imagine my surprise when I find my soul-mate and life has turned into cloud 9. I became a step-parent, had a larger family now, and the excitement of holidays filled with joy and gratitude. It was all very…healthy.
I was in love with my wife and I was willing to do the work to keep her in my life, to be a good partner. I asked her if she would consider doing family therapy for the kids due to the changes in their lives and she readily agreed. She found an incredible therapist (we still see her to this day) who we both connected with. It didn’t take long for us to see that the kids would be okay with all the changes, but my wife and I decided to stay in couples therapy to ensure our relationship didn’t fall into abusive patterns.
Then my symptoms began to churn up, which I didn’t know were symptoms. Parenting is hard, we know that. Parenting with PTSD is so challenging, it can feel defeating on the best of days. Triggers get hit all day long, within all kinds of contexts. Parenting and relationships have a unique way of hitting the PTSD alarm bell. I began yelling, screaming, stomping, slamming doors, emotionally dumping. I didn’t listen, I argued back (more than I do now), I assumed a lot (most of it negative) and basically emotionally bullied people in my life. The worst part is that I didn’t know I was doing that, at the time. But I would have known, had I thought about it. I was too busy blaming everyone else for all of my troubles, pain, and suffering instead of mustering the courage to figure out why I was so unhappy with myself and taking it out on everyone that loved me.
Even with therapy (on average, I’ve gone once a week, but this does not include my two intensive PTSD programs), it took me about 3 years to gain the foundational skills to be able to define and communicate my emotions. It took me longer to stop being defensive during conflicts with my wife. I still struggle with that, because I’m still working through my past trauma - my brain wants to protect me from any threat or attack. It’s difficult for me to take criticism due to the nature of the abusive relationship. I know my wife is a safe person, that she doesn’t intentionally inflict pain of any kind on me. But my past trauma has a hard time allowing me to truly believe and internalize that bit of knowledge.
Can you see how all this is connected? The web is expansive and almost all encompassing.
We know that being in a healthy intimate partnership elevates our mood, accelerates the healing of emotional wounds, and lends us much needed encouragement and support when times get tough - but, as studies have shown, distress and unhappiness in a romantic relationship adds to already-present anxiety, depression, and sensitivity to PTSD triggers. So, having healthy, supportive romantic relationships is much better for those of us struggling with our mental health than having a romantic relationship that has few positive interactions during conflict.
Of course, the trouble is, people suffering from PTSD and other mental health struggles often have a difficult time regulating emotions, communicating clearly with kindness and respect, and being present and positively engaged with their partner in a way that cultivates meaningful, deep connection (find out why this is the case by reading this issue).
The symptomology of PTSD and complex trauma manifests in various ways for people - my own personal experience within my intimate partnerships during my adult life has been one of a deep struggle with my PTSD symptoms and connecting with my partner. My PTSD symptoms can corrupt my perceived reality of an interaction, twisting what could be a positive into something terrible and anxiety-inducing. That’s how PTSD fucks up relationships - by twisting our perceived reality, turning it against us. And PTSD can be quite convincing.
For mentally healthy people, guarding against the 4 horsemen is a tough task. For people struggling with PTSD and complex trauma, guarding against these same 4 horsemen can feel like a monumental ask. I can’t promise it will be easier to engage in conflict with your partner by being aware of these 4 pitfalls, but I can say with a high degree of certainty that your relationship will feel better; Safer, more enjoyable, more relaxed.
So, here’s what not to do during a conflict with your partner, using the 4 horsemen (if you want a healthy relationship)- no matter how pissed off (or right) you are. Remember, the only person we can change is ourselves.
The 4 horsemen are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
Let’s get the definitions out of the way, first -
Criticism is an act of judgement about something or someone, usually finding flaw or fault in the character or personality of your partner, communicated verbally. Chronic criticism can slowly build into resentment and contempt over the course of a relationship.
Contempt is the attitude or belief that you are above or superior to your partner in some way. Contempt doesn’t have to be verbal, which is why it’s such a relationship killer. Contempt can be an undertone within a remark, it can be dismissive body language. Contempt can ooze out via eye rolling, loud sighs, and disrespect. Contemptuous behavior is closely related to the behavior of an asshole. Dr. John Gottman explains that the difference between contempt and criticism is the intention. Contempt can be (and is) used as a way to gain power, control, or to insult and psychologically abuse.
Defensiveness is the art of building a forcefield around you so thick, nothing’s getting in. It’s difficult to be partnered with someone who is defensive - it makes it quite difficult to discuss issues and boundaries (both of which are necessary for a healthy relationship). My therapist tells me my defensiveness comes off as righteous and rigid. I agree with her. Defensiveness is a protective measure typically seen in people who’ve suffered chronic abuse or trauma. The problem with defensiveness inside a romantic relationship is that it makes it difficult to hear what our partner has to say, even the good stuff. And defensiveness tends to lead to assuming (usually assuming the worst).
Stonewalling is when we withdraw from the conflict, shut down, tune out, leave, or engage in distracting behaviors to seem busy. Stonewalling can be not talking to your partner for days. It can embody the rigid and cold behavior of detachment. Stonewalling can evoke feelings of loneliness, anger, sadness, and despair.
I don’t believe that most of us enter relationships with the hope of failure. As humans, we thrive on connection. The worst thing about these 4 horsemen is that, most of the time, we’ve been doing these behaviors so long, we don’t have the ability to be aware that we’re doing them at all.
Let’s jump back to the past, where I can show you how my wife and I used to engage in conflict versus how we engage in conflict now -
When I’m emotionally dysregulated, it’s very difficult for me to be aware of my behavior. A lot of times, I’m pulled in various directions during a conflict because I’m trying to manage my anxiety levels while still sitting in the discomfort. I’m trying to utilize the proper skills at the proper time. I’m trying to still listen to my wife and what she’s really saying versus what I think she’s saying. And I’m trying not to say shitty things to myself during all of it. 3 years ago, my brain, during any conflict (or perceived conflict) with my wife was a dumpster fire.
It’s not always that way anymore. Now, at least 75% of the time, my brain is able to stop, remember to take some deep breaths, remind myself that the person standing before me loves me and that I love her, then I reach out my hands. She began holding my hand during conflict many years ago and it’s taken me a long time to get comfortable with it. But holding hands during conflict is something we strive to do - when we both find it difficult to hold hands, we know it’s time for a break.
A break is not an end to the discussion, but a chunk of time dedicated to each of us finding a way to emotionally regulate and reset ourselves. We usually do 20-40 minutes, or if it’s late in the day or evening, we “parking lot” it until a date we pick and agree on together. Once we get our shit together, we reconnect, starting with hand holding. Sometimes it starts with an apology, or at least an acknowledgement of the emotions involved.
I’ve learned that if I want a safe relationship with my wife, I have a responsibility to be a safe person for her. By responding to each other with kindness and respect, our marriage has withstood the worst of my PTSD - suicide ideation, self-harm, eating disorder, all my yelling and terrible behavior, the depression, and addictions…We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, a lot of them involving some part of my mental health or the symptoms of my mental health.
I have no responsibility to bear by having PTSD, but my responsibility lies in the behavior resulting from the symptoms of my PTSD. My healthy, safe marriage has taken more work than any other relationship I’ve been in. No one tells us that, that these happy, romantic relationships we see on TV can be real, but to have them takes an immense and intense amount of work. As a couple, and individually.
What are your thoughts on the 4 horsemen of intimate relationships?
Have you noticed some horsemen-like behaviors coming from either you or your partner?
Have the 4 horsemen played a role in other romantic relationships in your past?
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing, there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.”-Rumi
PSA: I’m Not Triggered will be taking a seasonal break - the months of November and December will be dedicated to reposts and releasing some audio versions of older posts (for my paying subscribers) - the newsletter will resume the regular schedule of every Thursday at 6am CST for audio episodes and every Thursday at 8am CST for regular posts beginning Thursday, January 5th - expect to see some bonus content (for paying subscribers) and potentially old journal entries I’ve written across the decades of my life (maybe you’ll get to see the actual entries, if there’s interest) to help showcase what mental health struggles can look like.
Also would you take a moment to tell me if you’d be interested in purchasing some merch using the poll below? This will help me gauge when to begin stocking merchandise - I only want to make what you guys will enjoy (photos of some mock ups posted below)!
A couple mock-ups to help you decide:
Thank you for being open so as to be able to share immense valuable insights into relationships. I believe I tend to withdraw, or hide, when I'm anxious within conflict.
Yeah I think I’ve mastered stonewalling. I justify it by saying it’s better than what will come out of my mouth. Read the book a few years past, saw myself in the 4 horsemen, got scared of the prospects for my marriage, and quit reading. I know now that I was not ready for change and neither was my spouse. Thankfully I am in a different place now, becoming the person I want to be. I really appreciate all you put into the newsletters.