The Anti-Self-Sabotage Blueprint
A very short guide to stopping self-sabotaging behaviors
This blueprint was originally published in this post, and while I continue to hone it, it will remain here as long as it’s useful.
*Everything I recommend here is because I truly believe in it, have used it/read it/done it/researched it/deemed it good enough to reach you through me. Thus, rest assured, I make no money from anything I link herein and only make money through this newsletter via generous paying subscribers. I understand money is not an infinite resource and a lot of people have fallen on rough times, so I’ll always post free content in an effort to move the collective misunderstandings of mental health into a much more positive & fact-based direction. If you’d like to help shift the collective perspective or if you find my work valuable, consider taking advantage of the 40% off deal running now to further support my work.
My Anti-Self-Sabotage Blueprint (a WIP)
Do purposeful, challenging movement at least 5 times per week, most weeks.
Why? Hard exercise helps burn off the fuel of my anxiety and self-doubt. There’s nothing like lifting more weight today or walking a faster mile than I did yesterday to help me feel like I can do life and do it with love and strength.
Try not to eat ice cream (or heavily sugary treats) more than once per day
Why? My eating disorder and body dysmorphia have been close frien-emies of mine for a long time and what I’ve found to work best for me is giving myself permission to have sweets, treats, carbs, and whatever the fuck else I want, but to be mindful and aware of my reasoning for eating something. If I desire ice cream twice in a day, I’m probably overly tired or happy (and the feeling of happiness and its cousins are still so uncomfortable for me, I’d rather sabotage that with over-eating than learn to be comfortable being happy).
Prioritize spending time with my wife, our kids, and our pets.
Why? Obviously, my trauma brain tells me I’d much rather walk through this life alone because I’d be so much happier (the irony is not lost on me) - and my wise Self knows this is a fucking lie. I only think I’d be happier, but I’d be lonely and sad. Of course, showing up with the best version of myself for my family can be incredibly difficult, uncomfortable, and tiresome. But it’s so worthwhile and so much better than
thinkingbelieving I’m better off alone.
Spend quality time with myself, not my distractors.
Why? I love writing. I love being alone. I also love avoiding looking at my own shit and actively wrangling in the absurdity of my ego. I’ve found that I can easily use my writing as a way to avoid the discomfort of learning to be happy in my life and family, so I’ve got put a limit on the amount of work I do and when I do it. It’s imperative that I practice self-discipline and do the things I say (and tell myself) I’ll do. Spending quality time with myself means answering some hard questions and figuring out the things I’m awesome at so I can find the balance I seek.
Engage in meaningful connection outside of my family.
Why? My Al-Anon group has changed my life in so many ways, one huge one being a brand new healthy, exciting, supportive social life! A life with people my age that have a vested interest in being their best selves for their own sake. A group of friends that understands, supports, and guides me toward the version of me I want to be more often. No drama, no crazy shit, no weird one-upping and competitive jokes, only generous love and good, strong boundaries. Without Al-Anon, I don’t know that I would have been able to find such a fucking awesome group of stable, emotionally attuned individuals (most of whom have the same type of traumas I do, which is validating) who are also, dare I fucking say it…happy. Ugh. Having an entirely separate support network is really important when we’re recovering from co-dependency (or so I’m told).
Learn to be comfortable in happiness, peace, and self-compassion.
We all know why, don’t we?
Give them (and myself) the benefit of my doubt.
Why? Because, 1 - my resentful thinking leaves little room for benevolence, of which my conscious Self knows there is plenty; of which I’ve purposefully brought and worked tirelessly to keep in my life. And 2 - because I have to choose to believe that my highest, best Self picked the right and best partner for this life and that I am worthy of this incredible, empathetic, resilient, flexible love my wife has for me. I have to choose to believe that I am worthy of becoming who I want to become and do the fantastically ambitious shit I’ve dreamt of doing. The only thing stopping me is my fucking ego. Self-doubt, the dream-killer. So, did someone say, “light that motherfucker on fire”?
How To Make This Maybe Work For You
*I am in the process of gathering together a resource list with why I recommend what I recommend. Stay tuned for that, and if you have any thoughts, books, videos, other resources that aren’t listed here, please leave a comment so others can find them easily!
Update 1 (Apr. 16th, 2023): I have also found and can highly recommend (and almost mandate) reading/listening to the following books (don’t forget to check your local library for access!):
“The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage into Self Mastery” by Brianna Weist;
“The Greatness Mindset: Unlock the Power of Your Mind and Live Your Best Life Today” by Lewis Howes (I’ll be honest, I totally would have judged this book negatively based on its title had I not already been familiar and and enjoy listening to Lewis Howes - not that it matters, but, while the title is a little…much, this book was the book I didn’t know I needed.);
“Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie (the updated 2022 version);
“Atomic Habits” by James Clear;
“Behave” by Robert Sapolsky;
“Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés;
“Rising Strong” by Brené Brown;
If we’re counting intentional work with my eating disorder, then add the amazing book “The Anti-Diet” by Christy Harrison, the best book on re-learning intuitive eating I’ve found thus far (and I’ve read a lot of intuitive eating books).
Then I started journaling almost every day about my emotional state and what I’d like to change, then brainstorming some ways to do that. Sometimes I use tarot cards to help me (my wife is nearly an expert in all things tarot and astrological, which is both a wonderful asset and sometimes painful mirror) which can help me find ways to re-focus my energy into myself. And journaling helps me find the lies I’ve either been fed or ones I tell myself so that I can then give them the Death they deserve, making way for a new birthing (Dr. Pinkola Estés goes into this idea of Death and of the need for “many deaths to occur” within the life of any intimate partnership, including the partnership we have with ourselves). What is all this Death making space for? I do not know and cannot pretend to guess. But I do know changing my thinking is imperative and journaling helps me do that much quicker.
IE, my resentful thinking. Resentful thinking is a learned way of thinking, it’s not something that’s inherent in us. We learn to think a certain way based on the relationships in our lives as children as well as the relationships we have as we grow into adulthood. Now that I was aware of how resentful my thinking had become and how often it occurred, I could begin to change it. And changing it was hard, and I started small. Just noticing when I was having an icky thought - a thought that makes me feel angry, ugh, or exasperated and venomous counts as resentful thinking for me.
It’s not easy work, changing our thought and beliefs and behaviors. But it’s the most worthwhile work we can possibly do for ourselves. The alternative is being miserable and partnered with someone we don’t fully know or really even love, or being alone but convinced we’re not lonely.
But if it were easy, we wouldn’t need this newsletter.