[Issue #17] Tangible Progress
A brief exploration of perspective, progress, and productivity
“Times of great calamity and confusion have been productive for the greatest minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace. The brightest thunder-bolt is elicited from the darkest storm.”
-Charles Caleb Colton
The corn stalks waved in the light breeze of an early fall morning. A group of us sat around, outside, beneath the soft sun’s glow and the buzzing of a lawn mower somewhere in the distance. It was quiet, except for the occasional chair creek. The grass was wet with dew and the story was just getting good.
“…And I shucked and shucked. My fingers were so tired, my back hurt, it was hot, I just wanted to be done. Why did I do this to myself, I thought. And then, I realized I was facing forward, looking out into all the rows, hundreds of rows, of corn that still needed shucking. Then, something came over me and told me to stop looking forward, but to look back. Back, where there no longer stood rows and rows of corn because I’d culled and shucked them already. Until I looked behind me to see all that I had gotten done, I wasn’t able to enjoy, or see, the progress I’d made.”
That was about 8 years ago or so and I’ll never forget that story. It bubbled up from the reaches of the past to remind me of its power.
This week, sitting on Zoom with my cog training therapist (for the final time, since the PTSD therapy program is mostly concluded, save for check-ins down the road), the reframing came on slick, like a magician pulling all those colorful scarves out from a sleeve. Then, my definition of productivity and progress fogged up the perspective I could have had all these years. Me, feeling as though I’ve somehow managed to let oodles of my life pass right on by. Me, staring down into some nameless abyss. Me, having tried to look up, not ever really being able (willing?) to see the sky for all it was.
I didn’t know it until recently, but for such a vast amount of time I spun my wheels in the name of productivity. Never in the name of progress. In fact, if there was progress to be had, I’d pass right by the acknowledgement that yeah, I did that.
The that has been the monkey on my back, holding my progress hostage.
Progress, we’re told, produces something - something tangible. But when it comes to depression, anxiety, PTSD, progress can look like not over-reacting. Progress can look like not diving into full on road rage, but letting that asshole go right on by so you can enjoy the ride. Progress can look like normalcy. And isn’t that closer to the reality we want to live? Engage in? Be present for? A new normal, one that we get to define?
Reframing how I view productivity and progress has stirred some feelings about these long-held beliefs about both progress and productivity. Productivity is defined by Merriam-Webster like this:
1: a royal journey marked by pomp and pageant
2: a state procession
3: a tour or circuit made by an official (such as a judge)
4: an expedition, journey, or march through a region
5: a forward or onward movement (as to an objective or to a goal)
6: gradual betterment
Numbers 5 and 6 are the ones we’re after, here. And nowhere does it say “a forward or onward movement that is tangible, or, gradual tangible betterment. I added on the tangible parts. But what does tangible even mean? What would tangible progress look like, in terms of mental and emotional health and safety?
Maybe tangible progress is living. Maybe tangible progress is breathing. Maybe productivity isn’t all about producing tangibility, but producing intimacy, trust, strength. Productivity for us can be journaling our thoughts so they don’t hold so much power over us. Or productivity can be resting, which at first may seem counter-intuitive. My cognitive training therapist reminded me that progress and productivity don’t necessarily have to produce something material, tangible to be real. IE: having a hard or intimate or vulnerable conversation with Joanna (my wife) is productive and in some cases, may be even extremely productive. Why?
Because that’s the work of marriage, or any serious intimate relationship. The progress is showing up and sticking out the tough moments instead of abandoning ship or burning it down. Productivity is spending time with the kids (God knows they grow up so slowly and yet, too fast all at once) and strengthening the bond I have with each of them. Productivity can be getting a newsletter issue written days in advance and having it well-edited, leaving me free to work on other projects (of which I now fear there are too many).
And progress? Well, progress is how you define it. What gets your momentum going? Even if it’s hard at first?
My love of lifting heavy things and putting them back down started in 2005-2006 in Iraq. I had been enamored with weightlifting in high school but only used the school gym once - for a weightlifting class. I felt too self-conscious and weak to really enjoy it and only discovered my love of weightlifting once I was deployed. The gym was a large tent with metal siding and a good roof. Old equipment filled the large space - addon after addon attached. I spent many hours there while deployed and I believe I’m all the better for it - talk about stress relief.
After I got home, I kept weightlifting and I’d done it pretty much consistently until years ago when some physical injuries got the best of me. Now, years later, I’m finding myself re-discovering the love I have for weightlifting; It’s exhausting, exhilarating, and I can easily measure my progress based on many factors like how many reps I did of a certain weight or how much weight I lifted on a certain exercise. And the productivity speaks for itself - I sleep better, eat better, feel better, when I lift weights versus when I don’t. Getting started again was difficult and it’s taken a few weeks to rebuild the habit of going to the gym without letting my lizard brain get the best of me and listing all the reasons I shouldn’t go. But I know better than to listen to that little brain, now.
My CPT therapist reminded me to watch out for the sneakiness of progress. And that progress won’t look linear. It will look messy and murky. Sometimes, it will be hard to see.
When we’re so caught up and wrapped in our own thoughts, experience, story, it can be tough to see what progress we have made, especially if we start comparing our progress to that of someone else. We must first know what progress means for us, individually, before we can measure it.
Progress for me may be making it to the gym 3 days a week (when previously, due to my own mental health, I’d go 3 times a month) and progress for you might be remembering to breathe during a tense moment (when previously, you would have reacted in anger or overwhelm) and defusing that intensity with empathy and compassion.
And as my CPT therapist says, “progress is messy because life is messy.” He’s been right about a lot of things and I think he nailed this one, too. I have no idea how I came to believe my life would be “easy” (is there such a thing as an easy life, if pain and suffering and trauma are subjective? Maybe “easier”) but carrying this belief around has certainly enlarged my sense of suffering. Until I was able to step back and look at the trajectory of my life since I took control of it.
The first step to measuring anything is to be the one with the measuring tools. The next step is to be the one that uses them. And then we have to use them, constantly, and maintain all these tools and skills in our collective tool box.
The good news is, life is hard. The bad news is, it’s likely to stay this way. I don’t mean this negatively, but rather, positively. If we expect some hard days, maybe we can measure our progress in how exhausted we are by the end of those days, or how we handle an event or situation that arises. Or maybe we can measure our productivity based on how emotionally close we’re feeling with our friends, or how intimate we’re being with our partner or spouse.
This week, I leave you with the following questions (you’re welcome to answer in the comments, shoot me an email, or keep your answers within your own heart:
Where in your life are you making progress that you may not have acknowledged as such? And in what ways can you reframe how to define progress and productivity?
“And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction.”
-Kurt Vonnegut, “Player Piano”
OK so I’m doing my usual thing when I get one of your newsletters. I do a quick scroll read through. And then I go oh God this is going to take me a while to process and think through. Because it’s all so good and applicable. I think the hard part is learning how to take these challenges and fit them into life when you still have to live it. Often wish I could just go away for six months then re-enter life. I know it doesn’t work that way though. Sigh. Thank you.
A great perspective as usual, thanks Adrian!