[Issue #15] What Happened Next
An extremely brief essay on re-integration after intensive PTSD therapy
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
-Leo Tolstoy
I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t the tiniest bit of this kind of exhaustion still hanging around inside my system. I still have a scared little girl shivering and quaking from the hurt and the confusion. But I’m able, willing, to lean into this wounded child part of me instead of ignoring and neglecting her. That’s a new thing and yes, it’s terrifying.
Sitting inside LAX for a couple hours felt irritating, not panicky. I felt an internal shift of sorts during the first part of week 3 while still on-location. Now, back home, re-integrating has been much more difficult than navigating LAX on my own (which I did pretty well with, all things considered).
Learning all these CPT (cognitive processing therapy), DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) skills have shaped this internal shift I’ve had. I currently have once-weekly check-ins with both my Cognitive Training Psychologist as well as my CPT Psychologist and will continue having these sessions for another 2 weeks, then we move to a 3 month, 6 month, and 12 month check-in. I find out soon (hopefully by the end of the month) about if and when I’m heading back out there for shoulder surgery.
I learned a lot about myself and about who I want to be. I re-assessed my own values last night before bed because this week has been so, so rough. Change is rarely easy, and I think I changed a lot (for the better) and yet - change is so stressful.
I’ve mentioned Al-Anon previously, and this transition phase of learning skills and then applying them while at home reminds me of a pretty typical epiphany folks have once they’ve been in the program for a while, which is - just because the alcoholic or addict stops drinking or using doesn’t mean the addiction went away. The addiction is still there, and will always be there, long after any number of treatment hours or rehab. What this actually boils down to is this - unresolved trauma has the potential of destroying my life. My eating disorder did not just disappear. It’s still around, along with the addict in me, and the PTSD and a litany of other stuff.
I think re-integration moving forward will be all about self-compassion, grace for my wife, and a constantly conscious curiosity of my reactions, thoughts, and feelings and those of my wife. I know how I want my life to go, but changing course mid-way to the old destination of familiarity feels a lot like me trying not to over-correct a drifting vehicle. Not quite white-knuckling it, but not exactly skating right on through, either.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know this week has brought ample opportunity for me to practice my new skills. There have been times I wasn’t sure I could do it, but I did. I self-soothed and got curious instead of jumping into a shame cycle (my go-to in times of hardship or discomfort). It wasn’t easy. I still did it, which feels more empowering.
I’ve gone to the gym, the grocery store, took a long drive yesterday to clear my head.
I’ve gotten more done around the house this past week with more energy, energy I thought I’d never have again. I’m still in disbelief about how much of my energy went to my un-resolved trauma. I mean, wow.
Before all the therapy, I felt like I was drowning, just waiting for a shark to eat me and now, I feel like I could swim a marathon, and all these skills are a life vest in case of emergencies.
There are still some deeply held false beliefs and narratives running through my veins and up my spine. My work now is uncoupling a lot of shit from an abusive relationship I was in years ago from this amazing, safe, healthy, sometimes hard, marriage I have with my wife.
I have to work on pulling apart these false beliefs if I want to change my reactions, thought patterns, and relationship with my wife and with myself. I can’t say I’m ready, but I’ve never been more willing.
I’m so excited about being back in my life, getting back to the things that matter to me, that are me. These things are writing, playing guitar, growing weed, biking, weightlifting, watching Alone with my wife, spending time with those I love and care about without the knocking of my anxiety derailing a good time.
What’s better than being in a life worth living, a life I created for myself?
Nothing. Nothing’s better.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
-Rumi
I read your posts and there is so much to absorb. You are raw and honest and courageous and determined. All of that makes me shake my head and wonder if I can work through stuff as you have. At least it gives me ideas about how to go about it. And hope. The links you put in are amazing resources-like the worksheets.
Thanks for writing. When I see it in my email I am terrified and expectant and hungry for more of what you share. It’s helps me reach a hand out of the grave to grab onto some life-giving words. Just really grateful.
First, you're an awesome writer!!! Second, you are a warrioress!
As a weird side comment, I love watching Alone with my husband. I always think when watching, I could never, but I think you could!