[Issue #11] Self Care Is Non-Negotiable
An exploration of self-stewardship as a means to cultivating a more joyous life
Short PSA: The next few weeks of I’m Not Triggered, You’re an Asshole! will be a bit different - I’ll be receiving care for my PTSD in an intensive on-site PTSD therapy program from mid-June to early-July. That being the case, the publication will have a different vibe during that timeframe, but the pub will remain on-schedule and true to theme!
“…No one serves their friends by grinding themselves into dust on the altar of compassion.”
― Seanan McGuire, In an Absent Dream
After hours of stolen sleep, lost to the shadows in the night, the day begins as it does. The illumination from the warmth of the sun’s light trickles in through the waving breezy trees of summer. Things outdoors swell with humidity and the inkling that this day will be better than the last fizzes like a just-opened soda pop.
Then, the chaos that loomed on the ceiling inside those 3am shadows opens up and with the calamity, the immediate rupture of the peace of the morning, the day is popped before the coffee in your cup turns to blood in your system.
All things go, the kids need all the things, four meltdowns occur from your youngest and now everyone’s late. It’s only Monday.
When a day begins with what can feel like high promise and then, with a sharp quickness, slip down into another typical day filled with stress and a list of shit you need to do that you know you won’t get done, a day like that can feel more like a kidney stone and less like ‘I can’t wait to do this again tomorrow.’ I’ve found this to be heartbreakingly and devastatingly true for me as the pandemic has creeped on and on. The idea that everything is impermanent seeps inside my thoughts and still, I can’t quite feel the end of this thing. This thing we’ve all become accustomed to begrudgingly dealing with each and every day since the beginning of 2020.
On days like this, where are we supposed to make the time, find the energy, for purposeful self-attention and self-care? Magic? Super secret time machine? How do we make time for the most important person in our lives?
Do you know who the most important person in your life is? Trick question.
It’s you.
My perspective on the world, on domestic roles, on partnership, parenting, creating, working, all of it, has been rooted in the foundational lie most of us are told as we grow up - we’re told our role is to contribute.
Our expected contributions can be quite dependent on various and myriad factors, and the expectations shift as we pass through one phase of our life into another. Even so, within each phase of our lives, we are taught to contribute. We are expected to contribute. Contribute to society. To family. To friends.
When are we taught to contribute to ourselves?
We’re told to have children, raise them and love them, and send them out into the world so they may, too, contribute their skills and abilities and gifts to the greater good.
We’re told if we do enough, be enough, work hard enough, hustle enough, study enough, eventually, we’ll be good enough.
What if enough is all that we are, right now, in this present moment?
In an effort to stay aligned with our understanding of emotion, let’s define a few things then we’ll move on to exploring the cultivating of self-stewardship.
We’ve touched on the definition of compassion in a previous issue of I’m Not Triggered, and the American Buddhist Pema Chödrön does a beautiful job of defining compassion:
“…In cultivating compassion, we draw from the wholeness of our experience - our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”
There are a few things self-care is and there are a few things self-care isn’t. Self care is having the awareness of our own needs, especially in the throes of a violent emotional meltdown.
Self-care is not placing blame, but taking responsibility. Without taking responsibility, there is no room for growth because we are unable to see the opportunity for change as it’s presented to us. When we take responsibility, we signal to others, and ourselves, that we are able to, and worthy of, feeling the pull between our shared humanity - leading us to self-compassion.
Self care is not selfish. What is selfish?
Our besties over at Merriam-Webster define selfish like this:
“concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others”
and this way:
“arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others”
After years of therapy, recovery, and life lessons, I’ve learned several things about my own self-care. I want to share them with you with because I’m hopeful these points may be helpful to you or give you some things to consider about your own self-care-
Self-care must be rooted in self-compassion and self-love first and foremost;
Self-care is not always easy to tend to or be mindful of;
Self-care is much like recovery for a person suffering from the disease of addiction in that it takes constant, diligent, hard work to reap the rewards of self-stewardship;
Self-care is not selfish;
Self-care is non-negotiable.
Toss all those points together and you’ve got what I’ll lovingly call self-stewardship. It’s self-care, but with all the bells and whistles.
Given all this, the National Institute of Mental Health has taken the time to put together a small resource regarding self-care in relation to mental health. The NIMH defines mental-health in relation to self-care like this:
“Mental health includes emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, act, make choices, and relate to others. Mental health is more than the absence of a mental illness—it’s essential to your overall health and quality of life. Self-care can play a role in maintaining your mental health and help support your treatment and recovery if you have a mental illness.”
Now, I’m going to take a moment to argue against that last point, “…and recovery if you have a mental illness.” I’m arguing that self-care is not only for those of us suffering from a mental illness, but for everyone.
Self-care is not exclusive. Self-care is for all of us humans because we are all suffering. How do we combat suffering? With kindness, compassion, empathy for ourselves. This is the foundation of self-stewardship.
What does self-stewardship look like?
For me, self-stewardship looks like an honest and reflective writing session with my inner self.
It looks like facing hard questions with a quiet mind.
It looks like 50 minutes of therapy at least once a week.
It looks like picking a banana over a donut.
It looks like choosing recovery.
It looks like sticking to a routine because you know it’s good for you.
It looks like deep breaths in the shower while writing new poems.
It looks like dragging myself to the gym for the exercise I know I (we all) need.
It looks like the joy on my face when I see my wife, kids, pets, and home after 3 weeks of intensive PTSD therapy.
And, the best thing about self-care? Self-care looks like happiness because that’s the only place self-care leads. Even if that happiness is impermanent, self-care allows me to feel more happiness more often than if I were to neglect myself and my own needs. It’s hard to look happiness in the face and accept it. It’s hard to remember I’m worth my own self-stewardship. But we are all worthy of our own self-stewardship.
The NIMH lists out some great practical examples of self-care and I’ll list them here for the sake of ease - Get their full list here.
Get regular exercise.
Eat healthy, regular meals and stay hydrated.
Make sleep a priority.
Try a relaxing activity.
Set goals and priorities.
Practice gratitude.
Focus on positivity.
Stay connected.
Do you know what activities soothe you? Refuel you? Rest your soul? Alleviate strain in your neck? Do you know what kind of exercise your body prefers? I’m learning it’s never too late to find out, to learn new things.
So, dear reader, I’ll leave you with this same question I’m pondering on this week - if we don’t learn how best to care for ourselves in the present, how can we expect to care for ourselves in times of need, of crisis, of grief? And, is it possible that happiness might be much more attainable than we thought?
“ Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.”
― Marthe Troly-Curtin, Phrynette Married
I recently read a neuroscientist reporting that mental healing needs attention to the physical as they are in reality inseparable. I've found that to be true for myself. I used to practice hardcore yoga, now I find healing to be in gentle, cooling yoga. What we need seems to change and paying attention to that change is a big part of my self-care.
Thank you for this detailed reminder only I can take care of me.