Lean on Me [No, Really...]
On self-knowledge, communicating what we need, and I'm finally offering something I've been thinking about for quite some time
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
—Carl Jung
There’s a moment in most of my closest relationships where I’ve had to admit something uncomfortable: I didn’t actually know myself very well.
I didn’t know why I reacted the way I did. Why did I yell when trying to make a point? Why was I so aggressive with my communication? What was I actually afraid of underneath my anger? How had I kept ending up in the same dynamics with different people, year after year? All these questions, pummeling me.
Then a shift began to occur. Something inside me slid, like a tectonic plate, pushing up all the other shit I’d pushed down.
And once I started accessing it, my relationships changed. Because I finally had words for what was happening internally, I could share those words instead of reacting out of anger or shame, or shutting down completely.
How knowing thyself deepens connection
There’s a body of research on what psychologists call self-concept clarity — how clearly and consistently you understand who you are across different contexts. I’m not the same version of me out with friends as I am hanging out with our kids, but knowing myself across those contexts is what builds self-awareness. And people with high self-concept clarity report better relationship satisfaction, lower anxiety, more resilience under stress, and clearer decision-making.
A 2018 study in the Personal Relationships found that self-concept clarity predicted relationship quality even after controlling for things like attachment style and personality traits. In other words, the clearer you are about yourself, the better your relationships tend to be — independent of whether you’re “anxiously attached” or “secure” or anything else.
And this makes sense. I know when I didn’t know what I needed, I couldn’t ask for it. When I couldn’t ask for it, I resented people for not giving it to me. When I resented them, I either exploded or shut down. Neither of those communicated anything useful.
The fix wasn’t learning better communication tactics. The fix was getting clearer on what was actually going on for me first. The communication part got dramatically easier once that foundation existed.
Why communication breaks down (and it’s usually not about communication)
Most communication problems aren’t actually about words. They’re about everything underneath the words — the stuff we don’t know how to name yet.
You snap at your partner about the dishes. The dishes aren’t the issue. The issue is you’ve been feeling invisible for three weeks and the dishes are the convenient hook for everything else.
You can’t tell your friend that her last-minute cancellations hurt your feelings. Not because you don’t know how to form sentences, but because somewhere along the way you learned that having needs makes you “too much.”
You’re in a conflict with a family member and you can feel yourself going into a familiar spiral — heart racing, chest tightening, words getting sharper — and you don’t know how to slow it down because no one ever taught you that what’s happening in your body is information, not a verdict.
Communication tools are useful. DEAR MAN, validation, “I” statements — they work. But they work best when you’ve done the work underneath them. When you actually know what you’re trying to say.
Becoming more effective at knowing our feelings…
I’ve done a lot of solo work — hundreds of hours of therapy (across many different modalities including art therapy, equine therapy, CPT, CBT, DBT, and meditation, journaling, reading and researching, personal reflections and work in my own marriage, writing this Substack.
But there’s a specific kind of growth I’ve only ever been able to access by talking it through with another person. Not because that person had answers, but because they could reflect back patterns I couldn’t see, ask questions I wouldn’t have thought to ask, and sit with me in the discomfort of not knowing or learning to sit with the discomfort that often comes with feelings.
Without that, I stayed stuck in the same loops longer than I needed to. Years longer, honestly. I’d have an insight, lose it, circle back to it, lose it again — because I was the only one holding it. Insight that lives only inside your own head has a short half-life.
Therapists do this work with people. Good friends sometimes do. Support groups do. Mentors do.
And coaches do, too — in a way that’s different from therapy.
What I’m offering
Starting now, I’m taking on a small number of 1:1 coaching clients via Google Meet.
This is for you if you:
Want to understand yourself better so you can communicate more clearly;
Are working toward more honest, more fulfilling relationships;
Are willing to look at your own patterns without flinching (or willing to learn how);
Want a thinking partner, not a guru;
Want someone in your corner — no judgment, no should-ing.
What this is: A space to think out loud with someone who has spent years studying — and living — the stuff you read about here. We’ll work on self-understanding, self-esteem, relationship patterns, and how to move toward the life you want.
I’ll bring everything I’ve learned from my own experiences in therapy (including DBT-informed skills practice), my years of recovery work, and the research work I do in this field to every session. I am committed to helping you create more space for the things that fulfill you, reminding you of your inherent value and worth, and empowering you to feel comfortable in your opinions, desires, and needs.
I’m not a doctor
What this isn’t: Therapy. I’m not a licensed clinician. I don’t diagnose, I don’t treat mental illness, and I’m not equipped to support someone in active crisis. If that’s what you need, please reach out to a qualified therapist or call/text 988.
Logistics:
Free 15-minute consult so we can make sure we’re a good fit and I can learn how to best help you;
$75 per 45-minute session, via Google Meet (link sent before your appointment — just click and join);
No long-term contract — book as you need, week to week or month to month.
Why I’m doing this
Honestly? Because the conversations that changed my life the most weren’t always with the people who had the most letters after their names. They were with people who’d done their own work, who listened carefully, who asked the right questions at the right moments, and who weren’t afraid to be honest with me.
I’m not claiming to be that person for everyone. But I might be that person for some of you. The consult is free. No pressure, no pitch — just a conversation.
‘Til next week, take good care of yourself.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to be yourself.”
—Joseph Campbell