[Issue #39] The Imposition of Others
Exploring how imposed identities cause suffering, why breaking free of them can cause grief and distress, and how to do it anyway
Hello dear reader! This issue was initially intended to explore the grief of identity; and while we briefly touch upon this, this issue ended up being an exploration of who we are and how we are who we are, and why it hurts so badly to change who we are (identity *crisis*, anyone?). So, to understand the grief of our identity, I wanted to first cover the concept of identity, particularly, “imposed identity.” Thanks for reading!
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"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
- Pema Chödrön
Inside the walls of any 12-step meeting are a few common themes that are not as common within the larger hemisphere of modern day society - one of these common themes is grief.
Now, when we use the term grieving within the larger societal context here in the West, our collective framing of grief and loss has somehow become one of something to conquer or something to avoid.
But what we’re talking about today is much more micro level, because the only thing we can control (sometimes) is ourselves. And for us to make sense of the kind of grief we’ll be talking about here, it’s important we have a fundamental grasp on what we mean when we say grief or grieving.
This series issue aims to focus on the more subtle colors and language of grief - the grief of who we thought we were, or who we thought we should be, or who we know we aren’t. But to get to the grief of this, in this way, we need to first know who we truly are (or are not) so we are no longer suffering inside a shell society has scolded into submission and subservience and smallness. And that means taking a real hard look at our internal beliefs, values, and misgivings.
So, the basic question is this: what is an identity?
Who are you? Who? Who?
Like many things in the field of human-centric studies, identity has many meanings, so here’s a couple I dug up and we’ll mold our way to our own definition-
The Berkley Institute of Well-Being defines identity like this:
“In the most general sense, we can define identity as a person’s sense of self, established by their unique characteristics, affiliations, and social roles. Moreover, identity has continuity, as one feels to be the same person over time despite many changes in their circumstances. The seeds of identity are planted during a person’s childhood when their caregivers influence them the most. Yet, as individuals transition from childhood to adolescence, they start questioning who they are and how they fit in society. Hence, adolescents set out to discover their senses of self by experimenting with different roles and behaviors (Erikson, 1956). Although adults continue to reassess their identities throughout their lives, the changes to their identities are relatively small….”
Berkley gives us a very foundational understanding of the underpinnings and mechanics that make identity tick in the background of our days. Essentially, they argue that identity is a summation of behaviors, attitudes, perspectives, and beliefs we hold over a long-period of time, regardless of external changes.
And that’s a great example. But because I love going down a good rabbit hole, I also found this Hypothesis & Theory article by Jack Simons that explores the more complex and nuanced portions of us which build into a fuller, more dynamic identity of us:
“…identity is an individual construct that is also historical and cultural (Reicher, 2004). Suffice it to say that people may prefer to conform to social norms even though it means compromising their health, values, and identities as they work toward behavioral goals... Hornsey (2008) has pointed out that behaviors between different groups of people tend to differ based upon individuals’ perceptions of where they stand hierarchically regarding power and the likelihood of advancement, legitimacy, and stability.
Simons continues, stating:
“…Another area related to the assessment of identity and behavior is motivation…identity behavioral theory is concerned with the need to learn from individuals who have already successfully enacted goal behaviors…these people include those such as Frederick Douglass, a former slave and social activist, and Dorlores Huerta, an American labor leader and civil rights activist…[and] people like Douglass and Huerta are referred to as positive role models. Positive role models have successfully enacted behaviors that their admirers wish to enact. When “positive role models” are physically present or at least known of by individuals seeking to enact goal behavior, the role models’ true or symbolic presence serves as inspirational personal support.”
Before we go on, I must note that there is a huge caveat to fulfilling our highest potential, becoming the highest versions of our identity (IE: Self) that we can and that is: the constraints of our human needs - or, what the psychologist Abraham Maslow (in 1943) coined the Hierarchy of Needs.
Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before
I created the graphic below to showcase Maslow’s theory, a theory that has managed to stand the test of collective social pressures, the crumbling of institutions, and the spinal changes that have occurred within the fields studying the human mind and the innerworkings of what Jung termed the “psyche”.
In an effort of efficiency, a quick run-down of Maslow’s theory is this: that we humans simply cannot attain our greatest dreams, desires, or passions (what he refers to as Self-Transcendence), unless we first have a stable foundation of a secure sense of Self, a safe place to be ourselves (our home), and sure sense of what we believe in, and where and with whom we belong.
This article from MasterClass defines Maslow’s theory like this:
”Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a theory of motivation which states that five categories of human needs dictate an individual’s behavior. Those needs are physiological needs, safety needs, love and belonging needs, esteem needs, and self-actualization needs.”
That’s a tall order.
Maslow states that unless our basic, fundamental human needs of shelter, safety, and security are met, we’re shit out of luck on getting to that highest Self. And Maslow’s theory makes a strong argument that’s hard to counter. I can safely say that if I didn’t feel financially secure, physically and emotionally safe in my home and environment, it would be quite a difficult task to execute writing a primarily research-based newsletter like I do. Nor would I be able to write the fantasy series I’ve been laboring over with joy for several years now. I wouldn’t be as curious, as willing to be open, as able to learn, as ready to apologize for mis-deeds or errors of my ways.
The bottom line is - if you have the opportunity, ability, to logistically, financially, however-lly to entertain the idea of going for your deepest desires, it’s my estimation that it behooves us to follow those desires. There’s much scientific evidence supporting that humans, when chasing down a dream, are simply happier than when we sit back, complaining about life happening to us.
So, let me be clear when I say, to have the option of chasing down a dream is something of a treasure, a privilege, and therefore, to waste talent, gift, and/or knowledge in this life is to state that you either have no deep desire or that your dreams and desires hold no value; And that cannot possibly be true.
I digress.
The Missing Grief
We know what identity is, and how we use this as a construct and frame for our perception of the world around us, and in our own internal world. We know that identities aren’t just a list of adjectives, nor are they so rooted in stone that they are incapable of flexibility. And we probably know that imposed identity, inherently, is very much quite the opposite.
Imposed Identity can be easily understood as the identity pressed upon an individual (or group of people) based solely on only certain perceived aspects or traits of that person (or group).
Imposed identities are hardly ever a good thing for human society, yet, we just can’t seem to stop ourselves. It’s not that imposed identities are inherently bad themselves, it’s that the imposed identities are oftentimes then used as tools, or weapons, of power because of the associated judgements attached to them, are oftentimes negative.
We can, to a degree, think about imposed identity almost like “judging a book by its cover.”
It’s odd, being human - the paradoxes compound into a large swath of glunky acrylic paint, the individual colors vibrant and clear and yet, none are very distinct. Somehow, the colors fade into one another just as much as they set one another apart. And we know, we can see, that we would not have all these colors if it weren’t for all the colors which surround it.
We’re in such need of personal, individual identity and yet, without each other, that seems as though it would be impossible.
And yet, when we try to break free of these imposed identities, it seems to take a kind of courage that no other feat in life could possibly ask of us - the courage to unabashedly be ourselves, our whole selves, regardless of the consequences of loss or pain or suffering. This is something closer to divine courage. Because trust me, to be you means some people will be unhappy.
I found a graphic from Inside the Alcoholic Brain illustrating this point, how our own internal identities are created, or how they’re influenced, by others around us:
Without social groups, it would be difficult to categorize ourselves; there’d be nothing to compare us to. Identity is first influenced upon us by our parents or guardians, then schoolteachers and classmates, then friends and peers and work colleagues, to college roommates, explorational/individuating-kinda-friends, and then, finally, family roles: parent, guardian, sibling, etc.
And these social identities are imposed with haste and vigor, slinked upon us without permission or discussion, without asking questions like why are we still doing it this way? Or Why do I still believe the way I do? Or Why are we, as a group, so deeply uncomfortable with…?
Because, people (me, included, and larger groups of them) will press their projections onto us (and each other) whether they are correct or not. Regardless of family or affiliation or what they claim to “love” or what they consider “just” or “right”. And, oftentimes, it turns out, the imposed identities we’ve plastered all over people are flat-out misrepresentations of their whole self.
What about all the other parts of us, the parts that we cannot see, cannot truly perceive, in terms of visually, but are unquestionably very much part of our everyday, very fundamental identities?
Imposed identities are imposed because of us projecting, perceiving someone(s) as someway(s) - and our projections and perceptions are all shaped deeply by the many, many life experiences we’ve had to the point of imposing identity upon anyone we meet.
If We Aren’t Who They Say…
These other parts of us include relationships at work, at home, with ourselves.
Portions of our identities are created from what we choose to create with our time, our energy, our knowledge.
Our identities are rooted in the people that came before us, in the land we were born into. Our identities are found in our favorite Mexican restaurant or the memories of gardening in the sticky, sweltering Indiana heat with your mom. Our identities are the music we hear, the things we infer, the way we think and solve problems. But we don’t get any of that information about ourselves without the interaction with other people and their own identities (and yes, the identities we impose upon them).
In this article posted on Psychology Today, the experience of grief of imposed identity is illustrated in this paragraph:
”Whenever a person loses a primary identity, they mourn a lost sense of self. They’re tasked with grieving who they thought they were and eventually creating a new story that integrates the loss into their personal narrative. In some instances, the identity feels stolen, as in the cases of the person who feels blindsided by a divorce and the breast cancer survivor. For those individuals, the grief may feel compounded by the lack of control they had in the decision. Others choose to shed an identity, as in the case of switching careers or leaving a religious community. Though this may sound easier, those individuals may feel their grief compounded by the ambivalence of choosing to leave something they will also mourn. They may feel less entitled to their grief and the lost sense of self because the decision was self-imposed.”
This is an interesting paragraph, because it captures the kind of fear that can accompany the loss of something that’s really terrible for us. To shed these imposed identities can create such grief, it can become overwhelming and distressing. Why? Because we still, somehow, feel as though to give up the imposition would be to give up our truth. Though we also know (logically), that we cannot truly be who we are when we have only identified ourselves in the same way others have identified us. Only we can honestly identify the type of person we are and what that truly means to us, to our core beliefs, to our Self.
To Know Thyself
And that also helps explain why it’s so fucking hard to make lasting changes within our internal landscapes; beliefs, values, feelings, thoughts, even how we see the stories we’ve attached to our identity are all very dynamic, individual fibers of our whole identity. But our identities are not our stories. Our identities can’t be made and they can’t be broken. Our identities do not hinge on how others see us, but on how we see ourselves, everyday, throughout our many seasons of various life and death cycles.
In her timely (in 1996), exceptionally well written book “Women Who Run With the Wolves” (which I still highly recommend reading/listening to) Jungian Analyst and incredible writer Clarissa Pinkola Estes defines what she calls the “Life/Death/Life” nature of life,
“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.”
What We Aren’t
Our identities do hang on our childhood stories, but they mostly hang on the inner beliefs we’ve attached to those stories that run in our adult heads.
Our identities don’t hang on how embarrassing our parents can be or what they want or wanted for us or what their expectations are of us now, or whether they feel as though we’ve met them.
So, let’s be clear about this: Our identities are the things we do on repeat. Our identities are what we think, how we think, over a long period of time. Much like longer-term relationships with others, our identities can (and probably will) shift and change shape - Parts of us expand, others deflate. Life/Death/Life.
Our identity is the both the loving voice in our head telling us we are enough while the shadow part of our identity is yelling we aren’t ever going to make it.
Our identity is in the way we handle the tension in our lives and inside our hearts. Our identity is the way we handle discomfort. Our identity is the way we respond, or react. Our identity is how we treat ourselves. Our identity is how we love ourselves.
Until we understand that we have so much choice about who we are, that we are the deciders and fact-checkers on who we fundamentally are, we can’t truly feel the kind of empathy that builds sustainable, loving, intimate relationships - not with ourselves, not with others. Why? Because, we’ll still be stuck in the doing of things simply because that’s how we’ve always done them rather than asking, is this the person I want to be? And further, why do I want to be this person, this type of person?
I want to be the type of person who is considered by anyone who knows me, an athlete. I want to be the type of person who’s behaviors and work ethic reflect that of what it means to me to be a writer. I want to be the type of person who’s reliable, follows though, is honest, finishes what I begin to the best of my ability, and takes pride in the work I do.
I am the type of person who is able to discern between the trauma of my past and the beauty of my present. I am the type of person who can’t help but write nearly everyday. I’m the type of person who, when I skip a workout, feels anxious and grouchy. I’m the kind of person who gets hungry and overly-emotional when not enough sleep is had. I’m the kind of person who can get so laser-focused on completing something, food and rest become something forgotten.
I’m a sensitive person and don’t do well with personal jests or jokes about personality traits and such. I’m a person who may not remember the exact date of an experience, but I could likely tell you the song that was playing (if there was music in the background). I love to spend money because material objects used to make me feel secure and loved (it’s the way I was raised - the Love Language of gift giving), and I’ve had to quell the desire to spend said money - which took some hard boundaries on my wife’s part and a lot of inner work on my part (side note: people who have TBIs (traumatic brain injury) can be more prone to impulsivity (including impulsive purchasing)).
I don’t like every inch of my inner judge and critic. I don’t hate them anymore, either. And, mostly, I want to be this person. I am finally proud of who I am.
Until we can get that honest about our identities, we’ll suffer inside the imposed ones handed to us out of fear and mistaken translation. I don’t know about you, but that is not my idea of a good time.
The next issue in this series on grief will (firstly,) cover (actual grief, and) the grief of our vices (IE: addiction, enabling, distraction, avoidance, etc.) and why relapse and recovery are two sides of the same coin - I know, I can’t wait, either!
"Your time is limited, don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
-Steve Jobs