[Issue #35] PTSD and the Passion Paradox
A down n' dirty guide on rekindling passion when PTSD screams "nooooope!"
“Closeness was the promise of suffering and pain.”
-Alice Jamieson, Today I'm Alice: Nine Personalities, One Tortured Mind
My mind washes and wanes, waxing the process of self expansion onto the roughed -up surface that’s become my heart. My skin feels warmer than usual and my legs have been numb for several minutes. My hands roll around with one another, like twisted siblings of a different time, a different place. And that’s what’s brought me here, to the precipice of what we declare the present.
I glean what I came for - a realization that life is never going to be truly easy. An awareness that I have only so much control.
A sickening wave fuels my inner dialogue; The trouble with being confronted about the truth of my shadow is that no matter how well that new shadowy veil fits, I’ll always want to claim it was never mine. And to make this worse, I’ll soon realize that the love and joy I desire so desperately requires me to reach a level of ego-slaying I was unprepared for.
And this dance, this paradox, my friends, is what professionals call intimacy.
There’s no true definition of the type of intimacy we’re relating to here, but suffice it to say that intimacy, for our purposes, is considered a strong emotional bond with another human - and more specifically for romantic relationships, offers a safe and supportive space for each partner to feel sexually desired, curious, and encouraged.
“S” is for Sex
The rise of the entrepreneur has exploded, and we find ourselves with no shortage of sexual entertainment and education in the wake of this newer sex positive culture we find ourselves in.
What do we mean when we say sex positivity? I found a research paper (by Burnes, Singh, Witherspoon) “Sex Positivity and Counseling Psychology,” that does a wonderful job at defining this:
“Sex positivity is a “positive and respectful approach to sexuality” (World Health Organization, 2006, p. 5) for all persons along the sex and gender spectra, highlighting the right for people to make choices regarding their bodies and their abstention from, or involvement in, a wide diversity of intimate relationships and sexual behaviors (Burnes, 2017)”
So, here in the present day, the full enmeshing of technology and sexuality has surpassed my own assumptions. The irony that’s settled in like dust after a storm is thick and easily found. I mean, it’s 2023 and the fact that women in America are not seen as humans with inherent value based upon something other than physical features (mostly completely out of our control) should paint a pretty clear picture of the reality about what it feels like to be a woman in modern day America. And this is without accounting for sexuality, external presentation, lifestyle decisions, skin color, and other similar important details about an individual human experience.
We are punished as a society, not just cis-identifying women, for entertaining the idea of sexual desire during our younger, formative years. Instead of openly discussing sexuality, sex, intimacy, and consent in schools (or families) we tell our kids not to be too curious about their own bodies, we teach them how to ignore those physical sensations, we successfully deny their needs for sexual discovery and exploration- or we do worse and we shame portions of the population based solely on some twisted perception of what’s allowable in our private lives.
Rent research has validated the theory that a more sex-positive societal culture leads to more well-rounded, healthy, emotionally engaging intimate relationships in adulthood. In the paper (by Burnes, Singh, Witherspoon) “Sex Positivity and Counseling Psychology,” this theory is explored, and what the researchers found was exactly in line with this theory:
“In counseling psychology, the most common understandings of diverse sexualities have entailed a focus on lesbian, gay, bisexual, and queer concerns. As many White, Western paradigms have understood sexuality using evolutionary theory, cisgender, heterosexual couples that engage in procreative sex are often seen as standard, and other individuals are shamed, silenced, hypersexualized, or asexualized.
However, sex positivity helps to expand the notion that sexual diversity does not only include sexual orientation identities. Rather, sex positivity represents physical wellness and the presence of safe (noncoercive), pleasurable sexual experiences and relationships.”
It's worth noting that what we’re exploring here today, sexual intimacy and rekindling it, it’s not just about sexual positivity in our culture. Understanding and embracing our sexuality is actually a really integral portion of our identities. And, of course, rekindling sexual passion is also directly linked to better overall health - physical, mental, emotional.
But, it’s hard to reach the bedroom with an intimate partner when shame sits study and lumpy just below the desire to connect. American culture and sex positivity seem to be in a place of clashing, and yet, without the rise of technology, we may not have shifted the collective perspective on sex so quickly.
Follow me -
Sunset Boulevard is notorious in Los Angeles, around the world. The street isn’t as wide as you’d think, but it’s well-maintained and the trees puncture the open space of urban concrete and spanish-american infused history. It’s busy and the shops are luxurious - reflections of diamonds and pearls claw from almost every direction. If your long-ago instilled desire for an upper echelon status isn’t warmed up by all that you don’t have (as lights flash from 4 directions), well, don’t bother looking at the billboards. Billboards in Los Angeles, criminally distracting, towering above these glass skyscrapers, further enticing, further shaming.
No, don’t look that far.
Our ego is problematic.
The toy aisles are split in two, as if humans are so one-dimensional, we can only ever be feminine or masculine. Never, ever could we possibly, maybe be both. Pink and blue. It’s revolting that women have been portrayed as shapeless, quiet, breasts-valued currency. It’s disgusting that men have been pitted against one another and shamed out of their emotions. It’s a tragedy and a sin that any sex, other than male-centered, hetero-normative, boring vanilla sex, has been cast as another devil which must quickly be exorcised.
So, from the start, before we are even able to actually identify our own desires, our voices have been stifled from mixed messages in social media, advertisements, movies, makeup, internal family language and the expression of affection. So many parts of our tender human experience have become objectified in the sense that we no longer see it as a whole human experience, but only one part of a whole. And looking at the human experience in this way, as though we are a fragmented sheet of ice, leaves us in a position of choice - the same choice we’re presented with everyday; Ego or Self?
If our inner Self, that is, our true identity, or the anchoring of our identity around our true desires, motives, passions, and needs, if this Self has been shamed from a young age, it’s hard to shake that off, no matter how much time has gone by.
As a lesbian-identifying woman who grew up in some pretty limiting environments when it came to self expression, I’ve felt this feelings monster. This giant wheel of guilt/shame/confusion/disgust turning, turning, in my head. When you’re told “I hope you do the right thing so I can see you in Heaven with the rest of the family,” by family after you come out, shame builds. When you hear things like “All those gays should be corralled and taken to an island,” and when Ellen DeGeneres comes out and then her show gets cancelled, all of that feeds into the narrative of not good enough. Only for me, it went as far as feeling as though I was disgusting. Worse still was a creeping feeling that it wasn’t my desire for women that was so uncomfortable for people, but because I wasn’t sexually attracted to men, I’m somehow not a full woman and no longer worthy of unconditional love or empathy or compassion. As if my inherent value as a human being was tarnished when I came out.
I’d be lying if I wrote this essay without acknowledging the impact the shame of my sexuality has had on every single romantic relationship I have ever had (yes, even my current marriage) and I think it’s important to acknowledge my own personal hard struggles within this sphere of fearing not only sexual intimacy, but emotional and physical intimacy as well (I’m not a lover of hugs unless I feel comfortable with someone).
So, let’s try to pull apart why sexual intimacy is impacted so heavily by trauma and how we can have more fulfilling sex lives (partnered or single) free of shame, criticism, and judgement (with or without PTSD and trauma).
After all, “S” is for sex, not shame.
How PTSD Impacts Sexual Intimacy
It’s come as a strange surprise - shock, really - that having a happy, healthy, and safe romantic relationship takes literally so much work. Maybe it would feel like less work if I didn’t feel as though I’m batting baseballs and symptoms in my head a lot of the time. Or if we, collectively, weren’t sold a chronic lie of what intimacy should look like (like I said, shame).
And while my PTSD symptomology has been better since intensive PTSD therapy, those symptoms hang out in the background. White noise on a radio. This is what PTSD does - it steals energy away from us, it shifts the focus of every conversation toward yourself, it barricades against the idea that someone could, in fact, truly love us.
What’s not a surprise, though, is how deeply impacted our intimate relationships become by our past trauma. On one hand, the perspective or argument is one of a relation to time healing all things. And the unfortunate truth is, for at least 8% of people who experience a singular traumatic event (natural disaster, sexual abuse, loss of a child, war veteran, etc), that traumatic event will follow them around, developing into PTSD.
The other hand? It argues that time won’t heal shit, and in fact, that without the help of a professional, PTSD will have more control of your life than your inner Self ever will. That loss of control isn’t really known consciously, but our inner Self knows. And this loss can play into a fear of intimacy.
The fear of intimacy is natural, to some level, for everyone. It’s the internal bantering of to tell or not to tell your friend that embarrassing thing. It’s the hesitance in speaking the full truth, for whatever reason. It’s the smashing of intimate moments with loud, unnecessary comments. Unlucky for us, complex trauma can make sexual intimacy feel terrifying, even if the relationship is safe and stable (that can sometimes be more terrifying, actually).
A fear of intimacy can make it more difficult to trust, which can make it difficult to form and maintain emotional connections, and therefore intimacy lacks. A fear of intimacy can mean avoiding emotional discussions or sharing feelings, even positive-affect ones. And without shared vulnerability, that emotional connection begins to thin. I think we can all agree that it’s tough to be fully present during sex when there’s anxiety brewing in the background. All of this makes it hard to connect in a moment when the only goal is connection.
How the Fear of Intimacy Manifests
People with a fear of intimacy may exhibit a variety of behaviors that can make it difficult to form and maintain intimate relationships:
Avoiding commitment: People with a fear of intimacy may avoid committing to long-term relationships or may be afraid to take the next step in a relationship.
Emotional distance: They may avoid expressing their feelings or sharing personal information with others. They may also find it difficult to be emotionally vulnerable with their partner.
Self-sabotage: They may engage in behaviors that sabotage relationships, such as being unfaithful or pushing their partner away.
Difficulty with trust: They may have trouble trusting others and may have difficulty opening up to people.
Fear of rejection: They may avoid relationships altogether or may be afraid of being rejected by others.
Difficulty with boundaries: They may have difficulty setting healthy boundaries in relationships and may find it difficult to say "no" to others.
Fear of abandonment: They may have an excessive fear of being left alone or abandoned by others.
Difficulty with assertiveness: They may have difficulty expressing their needs and wants in relationships, which can make it difficult for them to form healthy connections.
PTSD and Sexual Intimacy
In her book “Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma,” Dr. Holly Richmond writes:
“Sexuality is an experience of connection. It is how we express ourselves erotically - to others and ourselves - that lets us know our uniqueness is felt emotionally and physically. Sexual trauma dramatically reduces our range of expression, leaving us with fewer words, less tolerable access to touch, and more tenuous relational bonds.”
And while Dr. Richmond’s aim is toward survivors of sexual trauma, the thicker message rings true for us - complex trauma reduces our threshold and capacity, much in the same way as sexual assault victims, within the context of sexual intimacy.
In a Reuters article investigating sexual dysfunction in people with PTSD, regardless of trauma type, the percentages of people suffering from sexual dysfunction of all types is staggering:
It's time to stop stigmatizing people with PTSD and fear of intimacy. They are not weak or broken, they have been through something traumatic and deserve empathy and understanding. It's time to stop making assumptions and start listening to the individuals who are living with these conditions. It's time to stop being an asshole and start being an ally.
It's important to remember that cultural attitudes towards sex and sexuality can vary widely from country to country, and what is considered progressive or liberal in one country may be viewed differently in another.
how ptsd affects sexual function https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/how-might-ptsd-affect-sexual-function
sexual dysfunction may accompany ptsd https://www.reuters.com/article/us-ptsd-sex-mental/sexual-dysfunction-may-accompany-ptsd-idUSKBN0NC28N20150421