[Issue #33] But I Got No Self-Esteem

A look at how trauma affects self-esteem and ways to rebuild it

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.”

-Harvey Fierstein

It’s a brisk winter afternoon and my therapist and I are about 20 or 30 minutes into our video session when I complain, almost with stark defiance, “And, what, my wife just has all these things in her head, all these experiences she doesn’t tell me about, keeping it all to herself, like she has a whole other interior life, without me!”

What do you think my therapist said to this? I’ll give you a minute.

Photo by Levi Meir Clancy on Unsplash

My therapist smiles, sits back and the camera dilates as she comes back into focus and then she says, “Yes! Yes, actually, yes! Yes, she is supposed to have her own interior life, one that doesn’t involve you - and everyone has this, right? Everyone has shit they think about or ideas they have or experiences that we don’t share with our partner, or sometimes, with anyone.”

“I guess I always thought ‘we tell each other everything’ to be how an intimate partnership works…”

“No, that’s called fusion - it’s a toxic form of co-dependency on someone, and for you, your someone has been your wife.”

What a fucking bummer that was to hear.