[Issue #25] Boundaries and When to Cross Them
An exploration on setting personal boundaries (and why we need ‘em)
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“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
-Dr. Brené Brown
My stomach trembled as my hand reached for the publish button. The lurch of telling the truth crept in and, over the course of three days, I struggled. I struggled with being this vulnerable.
I share my personal experiences inside this newsletter so that you will know you are not alone, and that, I, too, am a fallible human. Talking about boundaries is hard. It leaves callouses where softer skin once found a home, inside crevices and valleys of long before now. Learning to put boundaries in place is one of the more difficult aspects of therapy, for me. I’ve had to learn that boundaries are not permanent nor are they un-movable. Boundaries are flexible, but firm. Like a good parent, or best friend.
Until several years ago, I was convinced that boundaries were for everyone else but me. They were meant to keep others safe, protecting them from me, my behavior, my feelings. I believed if I set boundaries, I would hurt and disappoint the people in my life. I thought I would end up (more?) sad and (more?) alone.
Then time passed as it does - in spurts and stalls - and now I know what boundaries truly are and what they’re for. Spoiler alert: boundaries are for ourselves. Boundaries set the foundation of every interaction, of every relationship. Any healthy relationship (romantic or otherwise) needs boundaries.
Any healthy, safe relationship operates well with boundaries in place. The graphic below illustrates different areas of our lives and why these boundaries are important for our wellbeing.
But what about those relationships that seem to lack boundaries? Or the one where you’ve tried to install boundaries, only to have them run right over without apology, leaving you feeling like a small, scared and angry child?
The online etymology dictionary defines the root and origins of the word boundary this way:
“From mid-14th Century as "an external limit, that which limits or circumscribes;" figuratively, of feelings, etc., from late 14th Century.
From late 14th Century as "limits of an estate or territory." Now chiefly in out of bounds, which originally referred to limits imposed on students at schools; the other senses generally have gone with boundary.”
My personal history with boundary setting is sordid. I’ve had some shame around my lack of boundaries in the past and even so, only years of therapy have taught me that I am worthy of boundaries and it’s okay for me to not interact with people who don’t respect those boundaries.
A painful but vivid personal example of boundary setting was the last phone call I had with my biological father. I mostly yelled, because I felt a level of anger that surpassed rage. My heart felt broken and my hopes of having the relationship with my father I longed for were all but swept away in the screaming and cursing that came out of the deepest parts of me. The scared little girl. The scared girl who hadn’t quite measured up in school. The scared girl who was bullied all the time. The scared girl who knew she was gay and exhausted from the societal shame of it.
I’m not proud of how I handled myself, because I could have had this same conversation in a much more mature tone and way.
I had just gotten engaged (to my now wife) and while my father never explicitly pushed me out of his life, he certainly didn’t encourage conversation about my new love and family. I tried to come out to him years before, and he deduced my sexuality to something he could understand and manage; He deduced my sexuality to car parts. And only certain car parts go together. My wife and I came from different car part bins and therefore, my father could not condone my marriage.
He believed that marriage is for men and women and that was that. for him, it was very simple. So when he said he’s happy for me but he can’t be there due to his religious beliefs, the devil in me exploded and I can hardly recall all the shit I lodged at him, through the crackle of the thousands of miles between us.
My father didn’t say he didn’t want to see me. Or that he didn’t love me. But my response to him was that he no longer gets to choose which parts of me he accepts and loves. He either loves all of me and accepts me or he loves none of me and that’s that. I made the decision to cut off contact with him until he apologizes. This isn’t a memoir newsletter so I’m not dragging up the past, but for the sake of context, I will say that there is a lot more anger within what happened during my childhood and how I was treated that blew my rage up into a fighting bull during that phone call. And to my father’s credit, he didn’t hang up when I yelled and screamed at him (though, he could have).
I no longer let others determine my worth or value. I don’t let others decide which parts of me they accept and love. I don’t let others decide if they get to be a part of my life and what that looks like. I choose. Because I have the power of choices.
This is an extreme example of boundary setting, but one I thought may be helpful for those of you struggling to set the necessary boundaries with your loved ones because of their place in your heart. But what about your place in their heart?
An article on boundary setting and feelings of anger, posted on the CPTSD Foundation website states why boundaries are important and vital for us:
“You have the right to:
Feel safe in a relationship;
Have your privacy and boundaries respected;
Be heard;
Feel validated;
Be appreciated and valued for you;
Respect your answer when it is no;
Have your needs met;
Be treated respectfully without any abuse.
I’ve learned if someone loves me, they’ll do their best to respect my boundaries. None of us is beyond making the errant mistake. But if we truly love someone, we will find a way to become acquainted with and even understanding of the boundaries that have been put in place.
Some less complex examples of boundaries may be ones that ensure people respect us:
We don’t let others talk down to us. If they do, we calmly and simply say, “I will not be spoken to in this way. We can have this conversation when you have calmed down.”
We don’t let others physically assault us. We leave the relationship and find resources to help us navigate exiting an abusive relationship (because trust me, abuse never only happens just once. The first time is the beginning, never the end - please don’t learn this the hard way!).
And a further simplified example would be…Let’s say we were invited for dinner with a good friend but the dinner plan is pizza. I don’t want to eat pizza, so I simply say or ask, “Hey friend, I love you and am so excited for dinner but can we do tacos or burgers? I’m not really a fan of pizza.” And if our friend is a good friend, they may say, “Aw, bummer, pizza is the best! But you’re better, so of course we can do tacos! We can meet at this taco place…”
In my head, before I knew what boundaries really were, I would have gone for the pizza even if I didn’t want it (or like it). I would not have told people not to speak to me in a certain tone or with certain language.
This is my fucking life and I get to choose who’s in it, where they’re at within it, and what that looks like. My mother has boundaries, my wife has boundaries, my friends have boundaries. My friends and family may not like every boundary, but that’s okay. They don’t have to. They do, however, all respect my boundaries. Even if they don’t like them. And that is actual and real love in action.
When you first begin instilling boundaries in places where there have been few or no boundaries, things typically explode. You’ll set the new boundary and your friend (or loved one) may say “okay, great!” And the next day try to run right over the new boundary. When they try to do that, it’s up to us to restate and reinstate our new boundary (because they aren’t going to do it for us, why would they?) and stick to it. When they fight us, try to manipulate us, or bully us into giving in and going against our new boundary, it’s up to us to again reinstate it. Sometimes this means giving up a relationship because it’s not working in a healthy way. Sometimes this means finding compromise. But it never means dissolving the boundary so you may keep a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you.
This week, I’ll leave you to ponder on the following:
In what ways have boundaries enhanced and supported you or your life?
How have boundaries impacted your sense of safety and wellbeing?
Is there a relationship in your life that struggles with boundaries? What holds you back from restating and reinstating your boundaries?
“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything."
-Warren Buffet
Powerful, honest and important. I first learned about boundaries from the life changing book "Healing Developmental Trauma", here are some notes I made in case useful:
In the book “Healing Developmental Trauma” by Dr Laurence Heller and Aline LaPierre, from which the following list is adapted, the authors provides a clear explanation of this in terms of what they refer to as “damaged energetic boundaries”.
“Our boundaries (personal, physical and energetic spaces) buffer us from outside world and regulate our interface with other people.
An everyday example of "boundary impingement" is someone standing too close, and wanting distance from that person.
Just like skin marks the boundary between the body's inside and outside, our energetic boundaries defines our wider personal space.
Intact and healthy energetic boundaries help us feel safe and set appropriate limits on interactions.
Analogous to a cut in the skin being painful, energetic boundary impingement, penetration or rupture may feel threatening, physically uncomfortable or create mental anguish.
Traumatic events that occur before we can orient to the danger can leave us with internal sense that danger can from anywhere, anytime, making us hypervigilant.
With early development trauma, boundaries never form adequately in the first place or are severely compromised.
With compromised boundaries, we may feel easily overwhelmed, such as feeling flooded by environmental stimuli and human contact, or not knowing the difference between self and other people, or between internal and external experiences.
Individuals with breached boundaries due to trauma distance and isolate themselves from other people, as a protective mechanism.
There is a strong correlation between environmental sensitivities, e.g. to light, sound, electric fields, smells, touch, and ruptured boundaries.
People with compromised energetic boundaries tend to have compromised physical and internal boundaries too, such as leaky gut, food and chemical insensitivity and allergy.
As people heal from trauma and restore healthy boundaries, they report decreases in level of sensitivities, intolerances and allergies too“
I needed this today because I am having a problem getting a boundary understood. Thanks for the encouragement