[Issue #8] How to Cope With Assholes
A brief guide on coping skills and how to use them
This issue will be shorter than the typical essay - that’s simply for ease of navigation and gives me space to pull apart specifics regarding coping skills (and maladaptive coping skills, which we’ll cover in a few weeks - subscribe now so you don’t miss it!).
Thanks for reading! Tell a friend & get a virtual hug from me!
“Assholes either love convenience or things that require way too much effort, like extreme sports.”
― A.D. Aliwat, In Limbo
I’ve heard grand advice for coping with stress, grief, anger, sadness, life. And yet, only a few things help soothe me when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It’s taken some time for me to learn what those things are. I’m gonna attempt to cut some of that experimental time out for you by listing things all orderly like.
The University of Washington Harborview Medical Center has a bunch of worksheets and resources directly aimed at learning, naming, and expressing emotion, coping skills, and sleep hygiene. I found some good ones (if you’ve never done therapy or Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT), some of these worksheets are the types of worksheets that I’ve used (in therapy) to help distill trauma and process through it) and one of the worksheets is aimed at anger management.
I bet most of you are old enough to remember the OG Bad Boys movie with Martin Lawrence and Will Smith? Woosah…
And if you’ve seen the Netflix original series, Spaceforce, you’ll remember how Gen. Naird sings Kokomo by the Beach Boys when he’s stressed and needs to take a few minutes to calm himself.
Yes, those are comedy scripts for entertainment on a screen and also, those are great examples of coping skills. Let’s pull it apart because, why not?
The two examples above fall under what’s known as self soothing coping skills. This skill is one of several in that category. Let it be said, the groupings for these coping skills are not congruent throughout the therapy world - these groups just help bunch skills together for ease of reference. The coping skill categories are generally grouped in a similar way using similar terms. Quick reference list, in no particular order (and this is most assuredly a non-exhaustive list) of coping skills:
Self Soothing - focuses on the 5 senses- singing “Kokomo” to yourself or listening to music (this one works really well for me) can be helpful. Grabbing something like an ice cube and holding it while counting to 5 and taking some deep breaths is a great way to turn down the volume coursing through us.
Distraction - doing something to stop your brain from running away: play a game (video games count! I like Farming Simulator and Assassin’s Creed), other options are doing a crossword puzzle, reading a book, writing something, going for a walk or a run, anything to distract your brain from continuing the cycle in your head spinning wheels to nowhere good.
Opposite Action - useful when you want to scream curse words at the airport attendant, but instead choose to smile and say “thank you” (all the curse words definitely yell in my head).
Emotional Awareness - knowing what we’re feeling and how it feels in our bodies is one of the most crucial steps to coping with life. Practicing emotional awareness is key if we hope to better cope with our experiences. Journaling works well for me when I’m struggling to process what’s transpired. Other options are to call a friend to get another perspective, find some space to inquire and reflect, or get in touch with your spiritual energy or higher power. But learn what your feelings are and A+ if you learn where you feel some of your biggest. A couple of my biggest feelings are shame and anger and they feel completely different to my body, in my body, than joy or sadness.
Grounding - meditation and deep breathing fit here (I’ve tried to get back to this and the pandemic has given me the gift of Dory’s attention span - I’ll let you know when I’m able to calmly sit and reflect in a meditative state again), and exercise like yoga or hiking (even a walk, maybe with the dog?) can have a natural soothing effect on the nervous system, especially essential and helpful during times of emotional meltdown. I have realized I do better if I get some purposeful exercise almost everyday.
Crisis Plan - useful for helping to alleviate anxiety about a possible event’s occurrence. In my experience, when I’ve been taken to the ER for suicidal intent, after getting through the crisis, I was given a worksheet and a clipboard. The worksheet was a crisis plan worksheet. It struck me as odd, but I filled it out and carried it with me for the next few weeks as I tried to dig out of my depression. I learned later that the crisis plan addresses strategies to use when I feel so low, the probability of me entertaining, planning, or committing suicide is higher than I’m comfortable divulging. I also learned the crisis plan is meant to empower those of us struggling with the pain of a past filled with complex trauma and the struggle of purpose, hope, relief (here’s a crisis sheet to print out for those that want it) by bringing our focus back to our present moment, truth, and experiences without dismissing or devaluing the emotions behind suicidal thoughts and ideation (I am deeply back and forth on a newsletter issue dedicated to suicide and the why of it - if you have thoughts about this, leave a comment and let me know).
Below is a graphic identifying some further examples of these coping skills:
It’s a hard thing to do, to reflect on ourselves, because it means we have to look at the parts of ourselves we may not like, or accept (this discomfort with our shadow side also tends to feed into the negative self-esteem cycle and thus, lend to more intense feelings of shame in oneself, firing the cycle up all over again).
To get a grip on how to cope with life’s shit and all the assholes seemingly forever present, start inward with curiosity - but be gracious and compassionate. “Self, why did you react that way and get so angry?” and breathe.
The trick is to be able to answer honestly. Otherwise, I’m choosing to live life less than the way I want to.
More worksheets and other information for coping skills can be found here for free (PDFs)
“You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it is better to listen to what it has to say.”
-Paul Cohelo, The Alchemist
Never heard of holding an ice cube and counting to 5, but I'm totally going to put that wisdom in my emotional toolbox!! Love this post. Thank you for pulling all the valuable resources together.
Well that is a great resource! Thanks for sharing the worksheets and your insights. I loved reading The Alchemist and the quote is one of my favorites. Wherever I am, I take myself and all my junk with me. No escaping what’s in my heart. Yep, I’m learning to listen to it and learn. Thank you for all the time you put I into these posts.